Sometimes...

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this world and the people in it.

It is often tempting to think that people suck and are hopeless, but as far as my experience goes, people keep proving this wrong.

Life is hard. Harder than we would like it to be sometimes, a lot of the time for some of us, but I don't think we should give up.

One of my favorite bands these days, Mumford & Sons*, have a song called "Roll Away Your Stone" Here are a few of my favorite lines from it...

"It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart"

I like it because I'm not sure what grace is... or if I believe in it. But let's face it, what am I sure I believe in? Hardly nothing. Because, it's all relative... but recent events in my life lead me to wonder about grace and more particularly the grace of human kindness.

All I am trying to say is, people aren't as bad as we sometimes condemn them to be. Life just makes it hard for people to be great all of the time.

Amen.

Who are you?

It kind of reminds me of Dr. Seuss... Who are you? Are you blue? What do you do? How do you know where to go?

Just saying. Pardon my insanity. Sometimes I let on more than I intend.

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged, especially because I have had so much to say! SO many things have fired me up recently... not recording them here just doesn't make much sense. I've been quite busy... which is nothing new, but I actually think I have been doing more than normal. And, I have much to do- even as I type this. I need to be in class in three minutes and write a paper today, one for Friday, and one for Monday (Gandalf). Busy busy busy.

So, yeah... where to begin.

I have heard the advice to write every day no matter what- most recently, I read it in a blog I'm a huge fan of, the Pioneer Woman aka Ree Drummond (http://thepioneerwoman.com). She posted something like "10 Tips for Bloggers" and one of them was to write everyday no matter if you feel like it or not. It was interesting for me to consider this advice for my blog instead of for creative writing, the context in which I had been given this advice before. So, between now and Halloween I hope to blog at least something every day. It doesn't matter to me that this blog has three people, max, reading it- but for me. Haha I love egocentrism.

I think it is worthwhile to recap what I've been going through with religion, but to do it backwards or from the last time I blogged til now... hmm

The last time I blogged I was in Vermont- an interesting trip to say the least. I rather enjoyed the city of Burlington. I could live there. It reminded me of Canada. I love Canada. Nothing religious happened though... really. So, moving on...

I went on a trip out west. Montana, Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. It was awesome. I got to tell a few friends about Buddhism- we ran into a Tibetan monk the first day! I had at least one really great conversation about religion which was awesome- it basically showed me, for real, that this is what I do. I talk to people about religion and it was really very rewarding to sense this. To do it in a context other than the department... I don't know if I'd go so far as to say it's my ministry or something, but damn near close. I like feeling compelled to do something, to be someone. It's pretty cool.

Three days after getting back, the semester started!

Vertmont

I am currently in Vermont on family vacation. Of course, as with every vacation...it is just as bad as it always is at home. Maybe worse. You can't really get away..cause you don't know where you are, or in this case, you're about 20 miles from anything to get away to. And the house is smaller, so you're in a confined space.

I've been thinking a lot about goldfish. If you keep a goldfish in a small bowl it's whole life, it will stay small. If you move the goldfish into a bigger bowl, and then a tank etc the fish will get bigger and bigger. I feel kind of like I need a bigger bowl. Not a small cabin infested with spiders.

Spiritually, I need room to move about. I can't do small and narrow... I'd rather take in the big picture even if it leaves me confused, lost, and frustrated. Fortunately, I've had that room for quite awhile now... it's not so intimidating anymore, it feels much more like home.

I'm off to climb a mountain. There are enough religious metaphors using mountains for me to think about on the way... but mostly, it reminds me of Jack & Desolation Angels. I wish I had that book with me.

Not all those who wander are lost.

Richard Foster writes about the gift of tears... and from what I remember it had something to do with suffering like Christ or something, which I don't take much stock in... but I do enjoy crying. Usually.
This morning, I am crying because it just hit me that 98% of my friends from BW graduated yesterday. So many people from the department are now gone... off to the Adventure that is Life After College. New chapters. Heck, new books are being started. I am so happy for them. But I can't help but wonder what things will be like without them next year... how empty it might seem. How friend-less I will be. It breaks my heart! And while I would never wish to hold them back from anything, I only want to spend more time with them... Learning from them. Laughing with them. Growing together.

I had coffee with an old friend today and while we caught each other up on our lives, I said that if I had felt the way I do right now, a year ago.... I would be taking time off from BW. Not because many of my friends are gone... but because I hit this wall a while ago, a wall I hit frequently. This wall... this wall is doubt. I am unsure of what I want to do, where I want to go... why am I here? It is always interesting to hear what people think of you....what they think you can and cannot do. I feel like Rory from the GIlmore Girls when Mitchum Huntzberger, her boyfriend's father, Newspaper Hot-Shot, and Boss, tells her she is not cut out to be a jounalist... except I want to be an interfaith minister? And I might not be cut out for it...

So what do I do? What do I think? My first thought is "Bakery." Bakery slowly turns into "Doughnut Shop." Which turns into "Doughnut shop/drive-in theatre fusion." Or, hell, why did I ever give up on journalism? Maybe I really will check out anthropology. Or... do I want to be that cool English teacher I've dreamt about being for years?

Truth is... I don't know what I want to do and I haven't. There are many possibilities I like to think about a lot... but I am so unsure of my faith it seems relatively silly to try and be a minister of any sort. Especially when your "mentor" doesn't think you can do it. And doesn't tell you? I am interested in so many things, and open to doing whatever seems best at the time. I am not direct. I don't have a plan set in stone. I wander. There are very few things I think are absolute (Only Siths deal in absolutes right? And I am so NOT a Sith)... in regards to anything. I like things bendy... flexible. Think of sedimentary rock if you will, kinda together, a little held together, but slightly off...a little unpredictable. That's me.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

It's 4am, I must be lonely

I like to shop. A lot. Shopping online is really, very nice. I discovered it way back when I was in 8th grade. We were going on vacation (to the Outer Banks, it ended up being the vacation for Hell..anyway) and I needed books- I didn't like beaches- I discovered that Amazon has used books for a PENNY... so I got like 13. It was amazing. Since then, I've had to maintain a very careful relationship with the wide world of interwebs stores. Sometimes... I loosen up. Recently, I bought a vintage apron. Max (from Where the Wild Things Are) slipper socks. A vintage white-enamel Aurora Borealis rhinestone necklace. I also recently discovered that my good friends eye doctor can replace the lenses in 1950's cateye glasses with your current prescription, which meant I had to buy a pair of vintage glasses frames. And a giant Care Bear, cause my old giant Grumpy Bear is lookin' a little rough (and much less company). Right now...I have a book and season 4 of Gilmore Girls in Check Out on Amazon. I am struggling not to buy them. I really shouldn't. I am aware that I might have a shopping addiction.

I am aware that it is a distraction. I enjoy shopping, very much. I like things. I often get attached to those things. Gerald May tells me this is bad. I tend to disagree with him.... but these attachments are bad. Yeah.

I'm rambling. But... I'm doing anything absolutely ANYTHING to distract me from work. For instance, I am watching s3 of Gilmore Girls, and for the last few episodes...*cough*cough* hours.... it has been driving me CRAZY that Rory's hair SUDDENLY becomes curly one episode and then it is ALWAYS curly. There is no explanation. She doesn't get a curling iron for a gift. Nothing. Just always curly. I mean, I welcome it..her hair was kind of flat before. I think it mysteriously stops being curly at some point.

I drank too much coffee.

Now, onto something remotely relevant to this blog... I have for you something written by someone else

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts
And presents aren't promise,
and you being to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
and learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate
your own soul , instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers,
and you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every good-bye you learn.


It's relevant here because I found it in Alan Jone's book, Soul Making. It's significant for me because I recently battled some of the things covered in the poem.

Recently, I wrote the following to a friend...

"I can be bitchy. Needy. I complain a lot. I like to gossip. Sometimes I don't like to share. I don't trust people. I have a short temper. I can be very crabby. Sometimes, I'm a homebody. I have a flabby stomach. My arms are flabby too. My thighs could use some work. I can't manage my finances. I'm forgetful. I have a penchant for lying. I'm good at it. I can't help it. I drive too fast. I'm stubborn. I hold grudges. I remember the bad things people do and say, and hold it against them.

But no body is perfect.

I love the way I dress. And my eyes. And my calf muscles, though they make rain boots impossible. I have a cute butt with no cellulite. I like to think I'm funny. I give good hugs. I'm smart. Kinda. I can cook, bake, and clean. As well as paint. I can kinda sew. I give good back rubs. I wear cute dresses and shoes. I try. I care. I listen to people, except when there are shiny things to distract me. I am loyal. Affectionate. Passionate. I'm a good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I also like good music, and I try to smell nice at all times. I'm not perfect, but I'm not so bad. I think there are great things about me, things I love... things I wouldn't change for the world. And shame on asshole guys that cannot recognize these things. I will wait, happily, for someone who does. Because I fucking deserve it."

Though I get a bit prickly about saying it, I think that my spirituality has helped me just be me. I finally can accept myself where I am... Just like I think God meets us where are at, right now. Huzzah.

Rory has straight hair again. I'm still wide awake. My coffee is cold.

A Wave that Never Finds the Shore

It is so strange, not being heard.

What I find fascinating about the Trappist monks is that they aren't s'posed to speak- which makes me wonder, which fascinates me, really, do the still feel a need to be heard? Is that why Thomas Merton wrote so much? Is that why they pray so much? Is God hearing you enough? Is is supposed to be? Shouldn't we be fine with that, those of us that pray?

I believe we live a relational existence... but where does it leave you when your relationships with people seem rotten, trixie, and false? To quote Gollum... Or they seem hollow, empty, and meaningless. Relationships that many years have been invested into... so much work and time, and love, and life into to receive only petty dramatic garbage in return? What does it mean when you're lied to more often than you get any form of truth? When is it time to walk away knowing you are making the right choice? How do you do so without unnecessary harm? What does it say about you when you continue to hold on because you'd rather go on pretending things are fine instead of facing more time alone?

Sometimes making sense of the things done or said by the people you love is impossible.

I've pretty much always been the weird one in my family. The weird kid. The weird cousin. Because of my clothes, my hair... my major or career goals. My music taste... my friends.. my geekyness or what have you.

I never seem to be doing anything right or normal. I'm difficult, or bitchy, because I have feelings which result in moods.. Moods that aren't always good or pleasant or because I'm not keeping my mouth shut and pretending that I don't have an opinion because whenever I speak up I am apparently difficult or bitchy or annoying or ridiculous.

I'm straightedge, which is preposterous. I, obviously, should drink or something and be normal...
I am studying religion... WHY?!?! What am I going to do with THAT?!
I want to be a minister... WHY?!?! How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an artist... WHAT?!? How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an English major... WHAT are you going to do with that?! You won't make any money!
I have pink hair.. WHY can't you just have normal hair!? It's so pretty that way.
I wear long earrings... WEAR shorter earrings!
I'm writing a children's book about God... HOW dare you do that?!
I'm not Christian... GOING to hell, you are! (haha)
I'm pansexual.... HELL!

I just don't understand how it is acceptable that I cannot discuss half (if not more) of who I am with the people in my family or some of my best friends... Because I am wrong or bizarre or I think the wrong way or believe the wrong thing.

I have news for you, I'm straightedge, I'm a religion major, I want to be an interfaith minister, I love art and books, I love my pink hair and jewelry, I'm writing that book, I'm not "Christian," and I am pansexual... and I KNOW you can't deal with it so for the sake of peace and in order to avoid confrontation, I hide a lot of it from you. We don't talk about who I am.... and if it really mattered to you, you'd ask. But you haven't, so don't worry- I know. I know it's a little too hard for you to process and I know we will never agree but, just so you know, it's really hard for me sometimes and it really hurts me sometimes to do it. To hide, to fear, to be ashamed and uncertain, to rationalize why it's ok even when it seems impossible... You'd think that over time it would get easier, not being heard, but at some point your voice gets so quiet that no one can hear, and sometimes that hurts the worst.


"...But oh, my frail immortal soul
That will not sleep forevermore,
A leaf borne onward by the blast,
A wave that never finds the shore."

Blessings

Happy Zombie Jesus Day. Happy Easter. Happy belated Passover. Happy belated Ostara. Happy GORGEOUS Sunday NE Ohio!
Today, despite some mild issues, I have been happy!

I received flowers at Trader Joe's on Thursday whilst grocery shopping! Pretty purple flowers! (I'd post a picture but I don't know how.)

People are running for Scope eboard positions!!! Which makes me so happy! And the paragraphs they wrote have truly lifted my heart! I think it means I'm actually doing what I've been trying to do with this group! That something is clicking! That we make a difference! And that makes me so so so happy, I can't even tell you. It's magical.

I got my bike out and went for my first bike ride of the season =) I got a bike rack as an Easter gift from my parents (and a cool green yoga mat!).

I started Biggest Loser with Haleah! And doing so I've started working out and gone vegan!

I got hiking shoes for my trip! BOGO-half off! So I only spent $60 on TWO pairs of shoes, when I was looking at spending near $100 for one pair!

I started my Gandalf paper!

I am so blessed, and so loved. Bad things may happen- brothers can be really stupid and get into trouble, mother's can blow up over messy closets, you can forget to write papers, and you can do really bad on math tests- but they're just blips on the radar. We are renewed in each moment. We have every opportunity to start again. We just have to see it, and take action. And sometimes that is really hard, sometimes we think it is impossible- but it's not. Maybe we can do anything we set our minds to. I, for one, am making the choice to REFUSE to sit on my ass- physically, spiritually, academically, emotionally, mentally- I will no longer rest on my laurels and rust, I'm going to be proactive and LIVE my life to the fullest, because that's how we're s'posed to do it.

Thanks be to God.

Slacking

It's been a month since I've posted on here. That's kind how my life has gone in general for the the last month... just "Oh, a week has gone by? hmm... I didn't notice." I haven't really done anything. I'm certainly in a funk. I always feel so tired. Or crappy. Or just "blah."

I've written things, intended to be posted here, and I don't have the motivation to type them out. After writing them down, they seem silly or stupid and why would I want the world to know how ridiculous I really am?

What isn't silly though, and what has me very confused are my plans for grad school. I want to do interfaith ministry- I think it will be truly wonderful, but I don't feel passionate about it right now. I don't feel passionate about anything, and it's a problem. Or maybe it's just how I am now...

During Merton

So, God bless Thomas Merton and being able to calm me down. During class just now, I wrote this:

My God does not walk above me,
threatening lightning strikes
My God does not walk behind me,
pushing or prodding
My God does not walk below me,
beyond my understanding and under my awareness
No, my God does not walk in any of those places.
My God walks beside me,
as friend, companion and confidant
We walk this path together towards greater
life, love, and beauty
My God is always with me-
hearing prayers, thoughts
And even in the deep dark corkers,
the fleeting dreams of doubt and loss,
no judgement is passed
Only listening is had
My God is there for me to lean on when life becomes too much,
even when I don't consider my ever-loving "crutch"
My God knows my tears, and cries them with me;
lives all my laughter and celebrates in it joyously;
my god rejects, comprehends, muddles, fumbles,
discovers, and embraces all hand-in-hand with me.

No thought is insignificant, no emotion unworthy,
no word "utter"ly useless
My God has enough patients, enough time, enough loved
to experience, feel, and hear it all unceasingly
The eyes never shut, the ears never close up, the arms never retract, and heart never closes
They are always, ever, open and waiting for my readiness.

My God is not in a hurry- just waiting,
always offering this love-
for me to take it up.
How long can I wait?
This is yet to be seen, but my God awaits,
ever beside me.

Today's weather is partly furious with occasional fits of rage. (Diary)

So. There are days when I just wake up in a bad mood. Today is one of those days. And ya know what, I feel all too comfortable here. I blame Gerald May for my grumpiness today. I don't even want to be here. Somedays I wonder why my mom is shelling out so much money for me to be here. I like the people I know here. The friends I have made. I like what I learn- most of the time- but otherwise, I don't give a crap. I don't read for class. I do write the papers- but it's easy for me. I barely do math. I just don't care. (Ps- I don't like that you can't publish private posts on here like you can on livejournal...)

Last night at Scope we did play. It was an ok meeting. I had a fun time at Mandy's last night, and got to see my girls this morning too! I love them so much. You'd think I'd be able to have one of those lighthearted days...that something would carry on over from last night, or 2 hours ago even.

I was going to apologize just now for being so emotional and irate recently- but I have this blog for the purpose of being honest and upfront with myself about how I feel- and for me how I am emotionally directly influences how I am engaged in my spiritual life. I'm also a complainer. But a lot of people complain, so that's life.

I don't think I will be staying for colloquium today. I don't feel like dealing.

Oh Christ, Latisha Jackson has arrived.

Done for now.

Accedie

Alan likes to teach us fun words, the title is one of those words. Gotta love Alan and all of his Quaker wisdom.

Another good one from Alan, 'Virtue has to be an action.'

I have math class in 20 minutes..15 now.. and my prof forgot to post our assignment that kinda sorta means I can't do it, as she would say. So here I am.

I have calmed down so so much since I last posted. I still get weepy at times, I cried during the Ash Wednesday service at the Chapel last week. I cry reading Gandalf sutff- and mind you, I love to cry, I really do, but I don't love beeing so upset I literally cannot contian it. I didn't cry at Chapel so much about Scope, but that's another story for another time and this might not be the place to articulate it anyway.

I've been doing meditation for my new discipline- it's going well, I attribute calming down to setting 30minutes a day to do this.

I finally went to the UU that meets in Kulas yesterday. Josh and Chris went with me. I loved it, and I will be going back. It's everything I wanted it to be, AND there is a significant ritual aspect which I didn't expect but love. The sermon was opened up to discussion DURING the sermon! How cool is that? Anyway the people were, of course, welcoming and friendly. I had a conversation with one of the members after the service and was telling her about myself, and I said "I used to be a Christian, and I've been wandering around for a long time...but this seems like a perfect community" and she replied "I used to be a Christian too, and then it stopped working." And I was like "HELLO NEW CHURCH!"

But, seriously- I think it might be the first time I've ever had a conversation like that with an older person. I don't mean "older person" in a negative way either, but...seriously. It was so refreshing! I can't wait to go back. I have not missed getting up on Sunday mornings though, let me tell you.

My math class is starting in 2 minutes.. I should probably go to it.

I think I will finish this first. Math can wait.

After a series of crumby days and weeks, I realized it's really the little things. I say that all the time- and I really do love the little things. But, it's something like meeting someone who loves one of your favorite authors... or knowing someone that smiles every time they see you, I mean every time- not every time we talk, but if they're in class and see you walk by the door- for that split second they see you every Monday Wednesday and Friday afternoon around 1:55, they smile- it's these things that are not only wonderful on the surface but they show me that other people do care, and that we do live a relational existence. It's these silly little things that lift up bad days. It's a friend who sees an article in the paper about Hobbits and brings it in for you because they know you're a Lord of the Rings geek... It's people saying "Well I heard her laugh in the hallway, so she must be here.." The things that often get lost in the murk and mire of life that can show us what it really means to be alive.

I'm five minutes late. I guess math can't be avoided forever.

I leave you with this, which I have quoted a from a lot recently... everyone things I'm talking about the stupid book, but I'm not!


"TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

William Butler Yeats

"Things fall apart..."



Today has not been my day.


I must betray what I set out to do here and be totally honest. I don't have that liberty right now. I'm just very upset. Not even just sad... I'm fire-y pissed too. Disappointed. Frustrated. I feel like, somehow, I've failed. Myself. Others. I failed to be what I wanted to be...what other people needed me to be... I don't know. My heart is breaking though... Hopefully everything works out. I almost hope I am really wrong about everything. Making it all up in my head.


I just feel so heavy.




"the center cannot hold..."

Of Quaker Mischief and the Misanthropic Parakeet.

Got back from Gethsemani at 5:30ish last night. It was such an amazing trip. I just got done looking through all the pictures that we've put on Facebook. I sincerely wish we were still there. My friends are such amazing people- and because of the trip I acquired a new one in Aryn! =) I think it makes sense to go through the trip chronologically (though I tried to recap in Merton class today and FAILED, forgetting a major part of the trip =/ Lameness prevails.)

1/29/10
I drove my mom and I here before Spiritual Disciplines, she took my car home so it wouldn't sit up here for the weekend. Put all my stuff my Connie and went to class for a bit. We departed at 10am. The weather was good for travel- cold, but no snow or anything. We got to the Merton Center around 3:30? Between 3:30-4. [This is the part I managed to forget earlier] The guy who works there showed us around. They have a rather extensive collection of Merton-stuff. Books. Dissertations. Pictures. Poems. More books. One of his typewriters. A pair of his boots. <3 One of his cameras. Some of his photographs.

I've fallen hard for Tommy by this point, if not earlier. Then! We listened to a recording of him teaching novices. I enjoy the timbre of his voice. And his laugh. I'm not ashamed, either.

We headed off to Bardstown, which sadly lacks any sign of minstrels or bards- though it is quaint. We had dinner at a place called Kres(s(o's. I think that's how it is spelled. I had their signature pasta dish- with chicken, shrimp, and a cream sauce. It was good.

We made it to the monastery for 7:30 Compline. In the dark. It was really affecting. After that we headed to our house, at Bethany Springs. It was gorgeous. Homey. Tracy, the Hostess, was a doll. We had tea (tea, and more tea!), craisins, and tasty other foods. Katie made cupcakes for Katelynn's birthday (I s'posed to as well, and forgot). Andy, Matt, and I stayed up til around 11 (probably closer to 11:30). Everyone else went to bed before us.

We got up around 2:50am for 3:15...Vigil? (I can't keep track of the order of the names or the exact times, either) It was also in the dark. We didn't go back to sleep before the next office, at 6:15. We had tea instead! I don't really recall everything precisely for the next 2-3 hours of the day... I know we stuck around for awhile, went to the library of the Retreatist wing{?}....went back to the house, the group had breakfast, I showered... we went to the 10:15 office and then had Mass at 10:30[?] before then. The next service was at 2:15. We explored after that. (Sometime before or after we went to the giftshop, got cheese fudge a card...) Took many pictures, found Tommy's grave =( and then headed to the House. (I took a nap...blankets!)We were there til 5:30? and then came home, again, for lasagna dinner. It was pretty good. The bread was tasty. We sang happy birthday to Katelynn. Back to Compline at 7:30, and that was it for the night..for services anyway. We headed back to the House. Some of us watched a Merton movie. Talked. Drank tea. Ate craisins. There was some mediation. I journaled a little. Went to sleep.

1/31/10 I don't think anyone got up to go to 3:15 with Alan. I got up around 6:30? initially. Kate came down shortly after that, so did Katie. We chatted, drank tea. I can't remember if we were up til other people got up, I know I eventually went back to my bed and slept until right before we had to leave. We went to Terce at 10:20, didn't stay for Mass though...and we're on the road to home! I was sad to leave and so were a few others! We got Tbell for lunch (this amuses me very much). Got back to BW around 5:30, none of my family picked up their phones so I rode home with Kate! Thank God they were there! I would have been stranded.

All in all it was a great weekend. I have to go read for class now!

The road goes ever on and on

I didn't mean to be away for so long. School doesn't even have me that busy. I should be sleeping though. Alas...

I am sitting her flipping through LOTR: FOTR...I've only read about 100 pages. Not enough! But, I am here to share my favorite passage in the book, and part of the movie too, (so good they had to include it!)

Page 60

"I wish it need not to have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."



Sure, it's small- only a few sentences... but it is so twisted up with all my memories and all the time I spent with this book, this story, and Tolkien. For fans, for serious fans, how can this book not be religious? It WAS my religion for a few years. My religion, companion, friend, escape, commitment, obsession... So much. Gandalf, whether or not he's an adequate Christ figure, was someone to turn to in times of need, doubt, sadness... He's not just a character in a book to me, he's so much more.

I probably sound insane so I'll stop now. It just works its way into my heart and tugs at everything...

In other news- today is day 13 of fasting (well, it hasn't technically started yet, as the sun has not risen quiet yet ;) but that's almost 2 whole weeks! I've been entertaining the idea of posting my reflection journal entries on here. I might at the end. They're a little spastic, and probably redundant.

Merton trip is this coming weekend! *Dances around room happily!* I cannot wait! I wish we were going later for a) warmth and b) it looks so pretty and green in the Spring! with flowers and bright green grass! I'm sure it will be just as awesome, though.

Scope is doing "A Kingdom Without Walls" this week. It ties in splendidly with the stuff we worked on for MLK week. It's about tolerance and acceptance and inclusion. It's a really great LTQ episode. Last week we made kits for Haiti- our small contribution to all the help they need right now!

I saw this on Twitter today: All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. ~ Chuck Palahniuk.

I don't agree, but it is interesting to think about. I don't think we should be boring, either.

Oh- I am not sure if I wrote about it before or not, by my family has given me soooo much flack for fasting. My dad, being a smartass, asked if we needed to say grace over dinner the other night. (We don't say grace...well, on Christmas and Easter...but we don't have that here...) And he asked me why I couldn't just do anything "normal" for once in my life. Supportive, I tell you, so supportive. Can't I just got to Gethsemani and never come back???

It's late, I need to read still... so I must be off!

-Rachael

(ps- I wish there was some way to record my thoughts while they're sloshing around in my head while I work because I think about awesome things while vacuuming and can never remember how I worded them afterwards which is really lame! I also (tend to) entirely forget what I thought about)

Classes

So, I think I have between 5-6 drafts sitting on here that I don't know where I was going with...or couldn't articulate properly how I feel about whatever it was I decided to write about. I think I get worried that what I am writing isn't really valid or important- until it struck me that what I write doesn't always have to be some highly polished deep thing, because that's not how I work as a person OR feel spiritually. My religious life is such a mess, so much chaos and uncertainty I don't think I could ever articulate it all with precision and eloquence. Some of the stuff I was trying to write about is also difficult for me to address, personally...and really confront it.

Might I note it is freezing in the Chapel! I need to bring a blanket with me here, my coat just isn't cutting it. (Today is a day I wish I lived on campus...as always, really).

I'm taking a lot of religion classes this semester. 5, actually. Spiritual disciplines, Merton, Christianity in the New Testament, colloquium, and my LOTR/Gandalf & religion independent study. (I'm also taking math and international cinema). Now, I don't need to be taking half of these classes... but I want to, so I am. I really want to be immersed in religion this semester, so no matter which way I look I really am encountering God.

Spiritual disciplines seems like it will be interesting as well as fulfilling. We have to pick 3 disciplines to do, 5 weeks each. I've decided to do fasting for my first. I'm going to do it Ramadhan style and eat only after sunset, which is kind of early right now, so I am going to aim for eating after 7. Then I want to do meditation, and then perhaps service. I am toying with the idea of starting mediation now as well as fasting. It's been years since I've done mediation on a regular basis, and it was rewarding before so I feel like it would be now. Alan is also giving us the option to hand-write our journals which makes me exceedingly happy. I think it will be much more beneficial for me that way.

Merton looks to be awesome as well. Great people! And I cannot wait for our trip!

Christianity in the New Testament seems to be cut-and-dry, biblical history class. It's my first (and only) scripture class, so it wil be interesting to do.

In colloquium we are reading Speaking of Faith! Which is my favorite religion book! I am so so so excited to read this book with my friends in the department. It has touched my life so much. I really hope they enjoy it. (I've quoted it here before). This was the book that introduced me to tikkun olam. I am sooooooo excited I can barely stand it!

My LOTR/Gandalf and religion indy study is going to be amazing. The books I am looking at are fantastic. It's just going to be a lot of reading. A ton. A crap ton. Starting with re-reading LOTR and the Hobbit (hopefully!) by the end of next week. I need to get it out of the way asap so I can start my research.

I have to be off now for Christianity, but I will write more... things are swinging in me