A Wave that Never Finds the Shore

It is so strange, not being heard.

What I find fascinating about the Trappist monks is that they aren't s'posed to speak- which makes me wonder, which fascinates me, really, do the still feel a need to be heard? Is that why Thomas Merton wrote so much? Is that why they pray so much? Is God hearing you enough? Is is supposed to be? Shouldn't we be fine with that, those of us that pray?

I believe we live a relational existence... but where does it leave you when your relationships with people seem rotten, trixie, and false? To quote Gollum... Or they seem hollow, empty, and meaningless. Relationships that many years have been invested into... so much work and time, and love, and life into to receive only petty dramatic garbage in return? What does it mean when you're lied to more often than you get any form of truth? When is it time to walk away knowing you are making the right choice? How do you do so without unnecessary harm? What does it say about you when you continue to hold on because you'd rather go on pretending things are fine instead of facing more time alone?

Sometimes making sense of the things done or said by the people you love is impossible.

I've pretty much always been the weird one in my family. The weird kid. The weird cousin. Because of my clothes, my hair... my major or career goals. My music taste... my friends.. my geekyness or what have you.

I never seem to be doing anything right or normal. I'm difficult, or bitchy, because I have feelings which result in moods.. Moods that aren't always good or pleasant or because I'm not keeping my mouth shut and pretending that I don't have an opinion because whenever I speak up I am apparently difficult or bitchy or annoying or ridiculous.

I'm straightedge, which is preposterous. I, obviously, should drink or something and be normal...
I am studying religion... WHY?!?! What am I going to do with THAT?!
I want to be a minister... WHY?!?! How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an artist... WHAT?!? How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an English major... WHAT are you going to do with that?! You won't make any money!
I have pink hair.. WHY can't you just have normal hair!? It's so pretty that way.
I wear long earrings... WEAR shorter earrings!
I'm writing a children's book about God... HOW dare you do that?!
I'm not Christian... GOING to hell, you are! (haha)
I'm pansexual.... HELL!

I just don't understand how it is acceptable that I cannot discuss half (if not more) of who I am with the people in my family or some of my best friends... Because I am wrong or bizarre or I think the wrong way or believe the wrong thing.

I have news for you, I'm straightedge, I'm a religion major, I want to be an interfaith minister, I love art and books, I love my pink hair and jewelry, I'm writing that book, I'm not "Christian," and I am pansexual... and I KNOW you can't deal with it so for the sake of peace and in order to avoid confrontation, I hide a lot of it from you. We don't talk about who I am.... and if it really mattered to you, you'd ask. But you haven't, so don't worry- I know. I know it's a little too hard for you to process and I know we will never agree but, just so you know, it's really hard for me sometimes and it really hurts me sometimes to do it. To hide, to fear, to be ashamed and uncertain, to rationalize why it's ok even when it seems impossible... You'd think that over time it would get easier, not being heard, but at some point your voice gets so quiet that no one can hear, and sometimes that hurts the worst.


"...But oh, my frail immortal soul
That will not sleep forevermore,
A leaf borne onward by the blast,
A wave that never finds the shore."