It's 4am, I must be lonely

I like to shop. A lot. Shopping online is really, very nice. I discovered it way back when I was in 8th grade. We were going on vacation (to the Outer Banks, it ended up being the vacation for Hell..anyway) and I needed books- I didn't like beaches- I discovered that Amazon has used books for a PENNY... so I got like 13. It was amazing. Since then, I've had to maintain a very careful relationship with the wide world of interwebs stores. Sometimes... I loosen up. Recently, I bought a vintage apron. Max (from Where the Wild Things Are) slipper socks. A vintage white-enamel Aurora Borealis rhinestone necklace. I also recently discovered that my good friends eye doctor can replace the lenses in 1950's cateye glasses with your current prescription, which meant I had to buy a pair of vintage glasses frames. And a giant Care Bear, cause my old giant Grumpy Bear is lookin' a little rough (and much less company). Right now...I have a book and season 4 of Gilmore Girls in Check Out on Amazon. I am struggling not to buy them. I really shouldn't. I am aware that I might have a shopping addiction.

I am aware that it is a distraction. I enjoy shopping, very much. I like things. I often get attached to those things. Gerald May tells me this is bad. I tend to disagree with him.... but these attachments are bad. Yeah.

I'm rambling. But... I'm doing anything absolutely ANYTHING to distract me from work. For instance, I am watching s3 of Gilmore Girls, and for the last few episodes...*cough*cough* hours.... it has been driving me CRAZY that Rory's hair SUDDENLY becomes curly one episode and then it is ALWAYS curly. There is no explanation. She doesn't get a curling iron for a gift. Nothing. Just always curly. I mean, I welcome it..her hair was kind of flat before. I think it mysteriously stops being curly at some point.

I drank too much coffee.

Now, onto something remotely relevant to this blog... I have for you something written by someone else

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts
And presents aren't promise,
and you being to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
and learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate
your own soul , instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers,
and you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every good-bye you learn.


It's relevant here because I found it in Alan Jone's book, Soul Making. It's significant for me because I recently battled some of the things covered in the poem.

Recently, I wrote the following to a friend...

"I can be bitchy. Needy. I complain a lot. I like to gossip. Sometimes I don't like to share. I don't trust people. I have a short temper. I can be very crabby. Sometimes, I'm a homebody. I have a flabby stomach. My arms are flabby too. My thighs could use some work. I can't manage my finances. I'm forgetful. I have a penchant for lying. I'm good at it. I can't help it. I drive too fast. I'm stubborn. I hold grudges. I remember the bad things people do and say, and hold it against them.

But no body is perfect.

I love the way I dress. And my eyes. And my calf muscles, though they make rain boots impossible. I have a cute butt with no cellulite. I like to think I'm funny. I give good hugs. I'm smart. Kinda. I can cook, bake, and clean. As well as paint. I can kinda sew. I give good back rubs. I wear cute dresses and shoes. I try. I care. I listen to people, except when there are shiny things to distract me. I am loyal. Affectionate. Passionate. I'm a good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I also like good music, and I try to smell nice at all times. I'm not perfect, but I'm not so bad. I think there are great things about me, things I love... things I wouldn't change for the world. And shame on asshole guys that cannot recognize these things. I will wait, happily, for someone who does. Because I fucking deserve it."

Though I get a bit prickly about saying it, I think that my spirituality has helped me just be me. I finally can accept myself where I am... Just like I think God meets us where are at, right now. Huzzah.

Rory has straight hair again. I'm still wide awake. My coffee is cold.