Holidays

I am procrastinating on going to my grandma's tonight. She wants me to come over to help her bake cookies. I am skeptical. She hasn't called me all day though, so maybe she forgot? Is it bad that I hope she did? Probably. Speaking of grandparents, my grandpa loves to send out crazy email forwards. They're so ridiculous I've asked him to stop sending them to me a few times- he doesn't listen. But anyway, the other day he sent out this forward about the real reason for the season (I hate that phrase...) and lah-de-dah. I drafted a response that said "Jesus was actually, probably, born in March." I haven't sent it, and I probably won't because it would turn into a giant battle. A battle that I have come to realize is inevitable. I had to laugh because one of the characters on Bones pointed this out in last weeks episode Daisy responded to a Christmas dinner invite by saying "If it's in March, I will come to a Christmas dinner..." or something. I might just be a little disgruntled because I hate Delilah, she's a DJ on 102.1 and she's sooooo stupid and ignorant it drives me crazy and her voice! Ah. But yeah, I just... Christmas is not about Jesus for me and hasn't been...I know that I would have said he was at some point, but never REALLY was what it was about. It's about family. But, really... and what I think frustrates me the most is that the early Christian church said Jesus was born in December so friggin close to the Winter Solstice aka Candlemas or Saturnalia to help persuade "pagans" into accepting their tradition, as a means of appeasing them. Most of what I cherish, and what most people actually cherish about the holiday season can be linked to those celebrations. Not to mention the other factors. It's just....it's narrow. It's insanely narrow. Christmas isn't the only holiday that happens right now, Christianity isn't the only religion that finds this time of year to have some significance.

I can't get over the frustration either. Every year it drives me nuts. I don't know how people deny so many things.

That all being said- I am no Scrooge. No Grinch. I love this season, this holiday is only second to Halloween for me. I love decorating and the whole insanity that is Christmas preparation. I love decorating trees (we have 4!) and lights, and gifts! And all the food and cookies.


I guess I don't think that someone's birth is really as important as what they do with the time they are given (if you can place this quote, I will bake you 2 dozen cookies, cyberspace). I don't think Jesus was really born of a virgin under a massive star that people followed....and I don't think it's really important when he was born, or where, but what made Jesus important was his message and how much he responded to the Divine lure. I find it interesting that Christianity doesn't really have a holiday just for God.

In the spirit of Christmas cheer, I guess I will go to my gram's now and make her freaking cookies. And maybe help her wrap some gifts. She'll make me spend the night...and will drive me crazy; but she's family, and that's what this season is all about for me. (Friends too, but they're family anyway in my book!!!!) (I also love this season cause all of my old friends come home! But I do miss my college ones...why can't I have both?) (Isn't that always my question? I'm greedy)



Oh! And before I go, I've sketched out at least 10 paintings and written 4 new poems and the start of s short story since break started- novelty! Creativity! Yay for answering the creative, divine lure!

<3

I believe

For many of Alan's classes, he assigns a credo. Unfortunately for me, I have not had one of those classes yet.

I really want to write one. My lame attempt for now will be this list... A list of things I believe and a list of things I don't believe


I believe...

in: soul/self
reincarnation
karma
the golden rule
we are interconnected
the power of compassion
Light
Community is pivotal
No one religion is "correct"
free will
tikkun olam
anam cara
we are "created"
science and religion can work together
in evolution
ethics: no mind-altering substances
chastity
no lies
no adultery
no killing
respect
compassion
children are innocent

I do not believe...
in Hell
Jesus "died" for our sins
in sin/original sin
the cloud of unknowing
an interfering God
an angry punishing God
predestination
in absolutes
that God is omnipotent

Crossan lectures

Got back from the Dom Crossan lectures a few hours ago. They were interesting. I had a hard time staying focused. I don't do well trying to listen to people for long periods of time if I don't have something to distract me. In this way, and others, my child-like nature manifests. But, he's adorable. His little wise-crack jokes and funny voices. I certainly have a renewed respect for him. And I now know more about Jesus and Paul.

At the Friday lecture, I looked through the UCC's hymnal. It was the same one they had at the Archwood UCC, which contains my new found favorite hymn- Take My Gifts. I also thought it was interesting that they changed Christmas songs. "Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the Christ-child bring," instead of "to the new born King," and the like. But, the word Lord was still used? It bothered Katelynn, she says Christmas songs are sacred and shouldn't be messed with. I see both sides. Anyway, I found some hymns I think would be appropriate for Scope to use in our service in the spring. I really hope that pans out. I kind of want to do the message, but I don't really know how to go about doing that... I have no idea what I would say.

Scope is going stories of creation this week, I remember when we did that first year! We talked about Genesis...perhaps this time incorporating a few world religions would be nice. I should probably get on that. We're also going to do a thing on religious persecution for the MLK week tunnel of oppression or whatever it's actually called. Ellen proposed the idea...I think contacting MESA (Middle Eastern Student Alliance) might be apropos. I am pretty excited for that and I am trying to cook up an idea for next semester. I kind of want to do a serious interfaith component where every other week we do a focus on a world religion, or an aspect of that, and how we can look at it from a Progressive (Pluralistic) Christian lens. I don't know if the rest of the eboard would be down, but it's an idea. Do a few events, and then LTQ every other week.

I enjoy UCC churches. But.. at the Archwood UCC last Sunday, I realized I miss the atmosphere of my old church. Take My Gifts is such an up-beat dancey hymn and everyone just stood there... In my church, they would have danced or just moved around and someone would have had a tambourine. Is there a Progressive church like that?? Haha. I still want to check out a UU service. Scope needs to go to a service! We haven't done a church visit yet this year.

Anyway.. my mom gets Body + Soul magazine and I happen to really enjoy it, along with having some great recipes, it also has helpful hints, and good ideas for taking care of yourself. At the end of this month's issue was this list

10 Thoughts on Whole Living

1. Allow yourself the chance to really savor each moment

2. Optimism isn't just a shift in perspective, it's an act of bravery

3. ONly you can decide the path worth taking

4. Don't wait for your mood to change; take action despite it

5. Approach gift shopping as an opportunity to honor the people you really love

6. Rather than search for a single miracle food, strive for a varied and delicious diet

7. You can't grow without pushing your limits

8. Stop worrying about getting sick; focus on your health instead

9. Don't believe what you hear- Life is good

10. No one (B.N.-not even God!)* knows what the future will bring. Put your energy into now.



I like it.

That's all for now..










*B.N. = Blogger's Note ;)

Headlock

So, today I did a job shadow at the Rape Crisis Center. We went to an elementary school to teach the kids about good and (ouch, uh-oh) inappropriate touching. It was awesome to be a part, however little mine was, of teaching kids how to get help. But it made my heart very sad. We also drove in the Imperial murders neighborhood, and past a service for one of the women which also laid heavy on my heart.

I left today with a feeling of recommitment to my tikkun olam life goal. The world needs help; and I am here to do my part. It is at once a simple thing, but also complex.

Whenever rape gets brought up in conversation, debate, and in general I feel such a deep seated conflict in myself.

My senior year of HS my brother, 13 at the time, was accused of rape. Because of rape laws, he was thrown in juvy- guilty before having a chance to be proven innocent. I remember the morning they came to arrest him in an unmarked car, and how my mother wailed after he was taken away- and how painful the next 4 months of my life were. It was also Good Friday. In this sense- I don't approve of the way rape laws currently stand. They need to be fixed. I don't want women, including myself, to be unprotected by any means- but if I am to believe in justice, and fairness, and equality then we cannot assume every man accused with rape is guilty. I know it functions as a check system, as a catch all- as an "in case," but my brother got four months of his life taken away and a horrible reputation in our community for no reason. Over the last 3 years, I have dealt with the resulting anger towards the girl who accused my brother, the justice system, and rape laws. We couldn't sue for damages..or court costs... and my family is out $14,000 and has had to file bankruptcy as a result of a girl lying about having sex with my brother because she was afraid of how angry her boyfriend would be at her for cheating on him. So she told them he had raped her. And just like that, my brother was guilty.

She later went on to admit to lying on stand, and also called herself a whore- on stand. In my heart of hearts, I will never forgive her for doing what she did to my family. I will never forgive her for taking away my brothers 14th birthday. That he couldn't be there with my family on Easter. I will never forgive her for giving my brother the label of "rapist." I will never forgive her for the fact that my brother feels so beaten down, and hates his life because people see him in a bad way for doing something many many 13 year olds do all the time. Do I think they should have been having sex in the first place, no? But can we strip away someone's rights to protect other's? It's a hard question to answer. I know I can't find a great solution.

Who is going to advocate for my brother? No one. And the saddest part is, he doesn't want anyone too because he is ashamed and afraid... So we stay silent.

No one should have to suffer sexual assault, and if they do, they should speak out and seek help- but I dream of a just system that catches the liars, and follows proper legal protocol.

In 18 days, right after Thanksgiving, I am going up on stand to testify against my uncle in court for domestic violence. I want him to get help. Not AA, but real help. And as I straddle the fence between being a woman against violence, someone who speaks out and calls the cops immediately- who will not be abused, and being his niece I wonder what to say. I wonder if I can forgive him.

Compassion tells me I should...Process tells me I should... Process explains why this stuff happens... but what it doesn't tell you is how bad it hurts. To have it dawn on you in the Rape Crisis Center that you are a "victim" of domestic violence... and wondering if locking it up and not talking about it because it's easier that way, (because your friends are judgmental and can't hear what you say and your family just wants to move on and enable him), is the best way. Did I really get help? Am I making too big a deal out of my brush with domestic abuse?

I have so much going on. I am being pulled in so many directions. My heart and mind can't keep up with this...

Bear with me...

There are some things we never forget. Somethings we can't let go, and don't want to.

We do this for many reasons. Because we store things up to think about when we get pissed...or sad, or angry... When we want to feel bad about ourselves.... Or good things to think about when we are happy. Conversely, we can also think about the good things when we are in bad moods.

And even if we don't actively store it up... there are some things that we can't forget because they hurt us, or evoked a strong emotional response. There are little things from years and years ago that we still have right behind our eyes.

More and more everyday Process is throwing out little grappling hooks and anchoring itself down in my religious heart.

And the importance of relational existence is overwhelming.

It hits you like a ton of bricks. And then, it hit me- it makes sense because our experience = us = God = the world = the possibilities

These little memories... they a part of all of us. The hurt. The happiness. And everything that goes along with them.

Today I was thinking about how lonely I feel sometimes. Because...I do. And I remembered that a long while ago my good friend David said to me that if I was attractive, he would love to date me because I was one of the "coolest" people he knew. He meant it in a nice way... I think... but years later I remember that and it has become something that I have accepted as a truth. At that affects how I am in the world. It affects my relationships with people. And it hinders myself growth because it makes me feel limited. And it makes me doubt people, it makes me think they're lying to me when they compliment me. One of the most affect experiences I've had in the last few years is riddled with doubt because I can't believe that someone would call be beautiful... or think that in general.

I can't accept someone saying that I am beautiful because I don't feel beautiful. What I need to recognize and what many need to is that in some way we are all beautiful. In all of us there is a spark of the Divine- and if we can actualize that, then the light can grow. And we can see the good in ourselves. Or, at least that is what I am hoping. That's where I am right now.

I have so much more to say...

Faith

"Faith is forged not by the mind alone but by the mind's risky, messy encounter with the world at large. Faith is not something you have, it is something you do."

Faith in God means believing absolutely in something with no proof whatsoever. Faith in humanity means believing absolutely in something with a huge amount of proof to the contrary." -Joss Whedon

Soul

soul |sōl|
noun
1 the spiritual or immaterial part of a human being or animal, regarded as immortal.
• a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity : in the depths of her soul, she knew he would betray her.
• the essence of something : integrity is the soul of intellectual life.
• emotional or intellectual energy or intensity, esp. as revealed in a work of art or an artistic performance : their interpretation lacked soul.
2 a person regarded as the embodiment of a specified quality : he was the soul of discretion.
• an individual person : I'll never tell a soul.
• a person regarded with affection or pity : she's a nice old soul.
3 African-American culture or ethnic pride.
• short for soul music


It is so hard to articulate what I am thinking and feeling right now.

I am taking the Process Theology seminar for my major, and even only having had class 4 times I can honestly say that it is making big changes in my beliefs. Today we talked about soul. I don't quite know what everything means, or really understand any of it, but...I was sitting in class today and John was explaining how Process views soul. Let me try to explain...

Traditional theology views the soul as a supernatural, immortal thing- an essential core, that is US and will go off to Heaven or Hell or where ever... when we pass away... It is constant. In Process, our events make us up, and our experience forms our soul. So it isn't a core- it is all of us, every cell/atom/molecule is soul. We are constantly changing- each change brings another change, one experience adding to the many and adding and adding and adding. So, by this logic, nothing about us goes unchanged- including our soul.

It is so much more profound, and complicated, and I am not doing it justice... not even close... but today in class, while we were working this out, I realized that my mind was changing.

I have always said that I could believe in Buddhism if it lacked the concept of anatman. No self/soul. Because I have always believed in a self or a soul... and an afterlife. Not Heaven or Hell, but something. And reincarnation. But... it is true that we are always changing and that our experiences affect us. That we are not who we used to be. In fact, we are totally different people. The kid I was when I was 5 is entirely different than who I am now, as an almost 21 year old. The experiences are not wiped out, but layered and layered and layered... but, I can no longer see the logic in believing that at birth I had a core self that is still with me now. It doesn't mean we are devoid of soul; but soul is ALL of us. It changes as we change. Everything we are is soul. In Process, when we pass, our experience is absorbed into God.

I think at birth we have a spark of the Divine that helps us gather our experience and grow in life, and in soul.

So- the Golden Rule takes on new relevance. Because it is Do Unto Others Souls and as You Would Have Others Do Unto Your Soul.

In this sense...soul is not abstract. Body and soul are one, not separate entities. And, instead of being able to justify doing wrong to bodies because so long as the soul is separate- it can go to "Heaven" and salvation can be hand. Soul is incarnate in our body- therefore, Harming the body = Harming the soul.

The rest I can't explain... I am sure I will write more about this as it comes to me... Process is nuts and awesome

Alone...

He Has Left Us Alone

But Shafts of Light

Sometimes Grace the

Corners Of Our Rooms

Morals

Morals
|ˈmôrəl; ˈmär-|

2 ( morals) a person's standards of behavior or beliefs concerning what is and is not acceptable for them to do : the corruption of public morals.
• standards of behavior that are considered good or acceptable : they believe addicts have no morals and cannot be trusted.



morality |məˈralətē; mô-|
noun ( pl. -ties)
principles concerning the distinction between right and wrong or good and bad behavior.
• behavior as it is affected by the observation of these principles : the past few years have seen a sharp decline in morality.
• a particular system of values and principles of conduct, esp. one held by a specified person or society : a bourgeois morality.
• the extent to which an action is right or wrong : behind all the arguments lies the issue of the morality of the possession of nuclear weapons.
• behavior or qualities judged to be good : they saw the morality of equal pay.
See note at goodness .
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French moralite or late Latin moralitas, from Latin moralis (see moral ).



I feel like so many people my age, older and younger as well, have no idea about their morals. They live empty, hollow lives doing whatever they want without a second thought. I know I get caught up in doing this as well. We don't understand the consequences of our actions.

Enter Process theology.

I am really buying into it now.

Our actions, and experiences, get rolled into God- and so God experiences what we do- our actions and or choices also provide what God has to work with. God can only provide us with all the options- Good bad and in the middle. It is our choice to respond to God's lure to good. The our choice decides the options for the next moment. In this sense, morals and moral actions are highly important.

Think about it for awhile.

Think about what you're doing to God and the whole world.

Community

I might have mentioned it before, but, something that I miss the most about going to church on a regular basis is the community aspect. Granted, it's been 7 years since I have had that in my life- and I have, to a certain extent, gotten used to it. With Scope, I have regained that somewhat, but Scope isn't necessarily a spiritual experience. We have good talks sometimes, and there are great people- but it isn't the same setting.

That being said, I have been looking for a religious community to get involved with for awhile. I am leaning towards Unitarian Universalism for many reasons. I at least want to check it out. I don't know that I could find anything close to what I am looking for elsewhere. Unless I continued on my own, which would defeat the purpose.

I guess a congregation meets at BW, in Kulas, on Sunday's... which I didn't know until I searched the interwebs for near-by UU churches. There is one in West Lake and one in Akron, so Berea is a better bet, especially if I move up there.

I also can't go to chapel with year, as I have to work on Thursdays now =( For the second time- if I move up there, I could go every other Thursday and then head to work around 1 after service. I really do enjoy John's sermons.

Searching is just as good as finding I think- all about the journey not the destination, right? I know I could use the support net, especially of people who are open, and believers. I am getting tired of the hatin' coming from my friends in the form of anti-religious sentiment and I need people who understand- and not just the people in my department either, but others. It's hard to explain.

More on Tikkun Olam

Tikkun Olam is a Hebrew phrase that means "Repair the World."

I first read about this concept, or commandment if you will, in a book called Speaking of Faith by Krista Tippett. The book changed my life. For many reasons but this was one of them...

This is the passage:

"One of the phrases that recurs most often in my interviews--in Jewish as well as non-Jewish voices-- is the moral longing to "repair the world," Tikkun Olam. There is a Jewish legend behind this notion. Sometime early in the life of the world, something happened to shatter the light of the universe into countless pieces. They lodged as sparks inside every part if creation. The highest human calling is to look for this original light from where we sit, to point to it and gather it up and in so doing to repair the world.....It insists that each one of us, flawed and inadequate as we may feel, has exactly what's needed to help repair the part of the world that we can see and touch."

It brings tears to my eyes. Reading that. Typing that. This passage showed me what I am to do with my life. Sometimes, we get brought down by the world, and it is hard to actually believe that one small person can do any good- but we can. We have to. I know that I have to. And everything I strive and dream and hope to do is for this one cause. And so I can never forget my mission to collect the sparks of Light, I got this commandment tattooed on my forearm- a reminder, for the rest of my life, of what I am here to do.

It it such a beautiful concept and legend.

If I believe in anything- it is this.

Sometimes, it gets to me...

This has been awhile in the making/brewing...

There are a few things I want to write about religion...
1. Addressing the "issues" people in my life have with religion
2. Why I am a religion major
3. What I want to do with it/my life- ie: my calling

1

It might seem silly, but sometimes I take for granted what I have learned in college. And how I have changed. How my mind has been opened a little more, and how my opinions and feelings towards religion have changed. Because they have. I guess it is silly of me, naive even, of me to assume that this has happened for the other people in my life. The people are negative towards anything religious in nature.

I wish they could see the beauty. The meaning.

I wish they would not be so hypocritical- Do not go around pretending to be some open minded, liberal person and then turn around an attack an entire community. Do not do this because your assumptions are based on a limited knowledge ( Mine is too ) and, to get to the point, the fundamental/evangelical Christianity isn't the only kind out there...Also, do not insult people who do believe in that kind of Christianity, or in religion at large, don't you dare insult their intelligence to me... Because you aren't only insulting them, you are insulting me as well.

Being a believer does not make you dumb. It does not negate your intelligence. Liberal, conservative...and anywhere in the middle. Some of the most intelligent people I know are believers. My friends are believers and chances are, you know people who are religious and smart as well. So do not....do not even go there, let alone jump down my throat, about this. It is ignorance. And it might seem contradictory for me to talk about tolerance, and seem intolerant at the same turn- but ignorance is hard for me to tolerate, and as far as I am concerned it should me. My ignorance and the ignorance of others.

That being said- being an atheist doesn't make you intelligent either. No matter which way you believe, it is not a marker of intelligence. So, do not make those assumptions. Well, you can make them, but just don't voice them to me.

If your natural reaction is to bash anyone Christian, or bash religion in general, I suggest you work on that.... Immediately. Not only will it be good for your inner workings, but somewhere down the line, if not already, you are going to have to make nice with someone you don't agree with- and trust me, even if you don't voice this immediate reaction, it plays out in your body language and face.

Considering all of that- I am working on my own negative feelings towards certain aspects of religion. Growing up a very Christian person, I am trying to get past my own personal problems, and the things that have made me mad, caused me anguish and pain so that I can see things through a new lens.

2

Well, simply, religion is what I am interested in. Having tried on 3 other majors in 2 years, religion feels the best. Broadcasting was a weak idea to begin with, and while PR is nice, I need something more. I can't seem to find any reason to remain a part of the English department as most of my interactions with them have left a very very bad taste in my mouth. Though, I am not just a religion major by default either.

When I got involved in Scope, and the department, I felt at home. Things just clicked. I picked up a minor my 2nd semester, and declared my major this January. Aside from this lackluster semester, I have been happy with my choice.

People.... my family... well, my family that knows that I am a religion major anyways, (ie- I haven't told my grandparents what my major actually is, because it would turn into a very drastic, UGLY conversation, as my theology VASTLY differs from my grandpas), can't seem to understand why I am a religion major....because I am not strictly religious.

I don't adhere to one path, and I don't think that there is any one truth- but many versions of the truth. That being said I do have faith- and I pull the aspects of that from many different paths/religions. In a quest to figure it all out- by being a religion major, I will learn more and engage a subject that is meaningful... something that is not empty and that is about something MORE.. Vastly more important than saving a reputation, and making tons of money, because that's not what counts. At all.

3

My calling- the word calling is a little tricky, as it can easily lead to the question Called by whom? and, my answer isn't god, but... a feeling that there is something I am supposed to do. Some work I am supposed to be doing... and, I think that work is interfaith work. Bringing understanding to people of different faiths so this world can be a little more peaceful.

Tikkun Olam- repair the world.
That is my calling.
My goal.
And however I do that- Peace Corps, Interfaith ministry, etc is what I need to be doing

Give me your hand.

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear;

You, sent out beyond your recall,
Got to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame.
And make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Every single time I read this- I cry. It is beautiful. And perhaps that's how it is.

It is settling with me that I do believe in a "god"- and for someone who has not been able to claim that for almost 10 years. But, what I like about it now is that it's not easy- it is difficult, and confusing...and hardly make sense when I have it figured out...and the best parts are the ones I have no idea about yet anyway. It isn't some lump-package, processed idea someone handed me and said "There you go." whilst patting me on the head.

The difference, from now and then, and what has enable me to believe, is between deism and theism.

deism |ˈdēizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a supreme being, specifically of a creator who does not intervene in the universe. The term is used chiefly of an intellectual movement of the 17th and 18th centuries that accepted the existence of a creator on the basis of reason but rejected belief in a supernatural deity who interacts with humankind. Compare with theism .

theism |ˈθēˌizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures. Compare with deism .


I am a deist.

"I'm not an atheist and I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws, but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations. I am fascinated by Spinoza's pantheism, but admire even more his contributions to modern thought because he is the first philosopher to deal with the soul and the body as one, not two separate things." -Albert Einstein

For me, this is one of the most important points- because, when you lose faith, and when you pray and pray and pray for things that never happen, you start to get angry, disgruntled, and a little jaded towards this big guy in the sky who is supposed to be up there, twitting around, waiting for someone to slap their little hands together bow their head and ask for something. Sure, sure maybe we're not supposed to be praying for somethings.. but if you supersede that with the possibility that god doesn't control every tiny thing that happens...it clears up a lot.

For example... my little cousin Kyle had leukemia. I think he is 3 now. He's losing the battle for his life. The chemo didn't work this time and he's not in remission. And my family keeps saying- pray pray pray to God for a miracle. I keep thinking no- don't. Because that's not how it works. And if the chemo doesn't work, and we lose that little sweetheart, they will be so angry at God. But God was never going to do anything. Not mine anyways.

Something created us. A higher something. And once he/she/it did, they peaced out to go do whatever higher powers do. This work, with all its complexities, works far to perfectly to have just happened randomly.

What I think is this... the higher power was the source of the energy for the Big Bang, and from the Big Bang, the designs for the life that inhabits this planet were planned... a seed planted and left to grow. To evolve into what we know now.

I took way more than 7 days. But, if you're the supreme being, you've got time and patience.

And... really, thinking about it, how sad would you be if you were "god"? To see how things are now...

Not to say they are all bad. There are rays of light. Because free will exists.

So much more to say, but I need to sleep.

A brief glimpse...

A brief glimpse into why I haven't told my grandfather that I'm not a Christian (or that I am a religion major);

My mom was flipping through a catalogue of yard-decor shit. Yard-decor-shit that includes many different Buddha statues. My mom says "OH! A smiling Buddha! I never see those"

I reply, "Really? He's everywhere. Maitreya, the happy, Future Buddha..."

My grandpa intercedes, and he says "The Buddha...What does he matter? He's not here. He's not real..."

"Quite right, the Buddha is dead....just like Jesus" was my reply.

The Beauty of Not Knowing

It has been a long day. One with ups and downs. Well, most days have their ups and downs for me, but alas. When I clean, I like to contemplate everything under the sun to occupy my mind, as you can imagine cleaning isn’t the most intellectually stimulating thing to do. I also like to plan. But, when you don’t really know what to do with your life, it’s hard to plan it. Still... not knowing has its possibilities. 

 The Beauty of Not Knowing

The definition of agnostic in this Religion Encyclopedia I got in the bargain section of Borders is “One who professes not to know [what they believe in]” and that has been my religious status since I read that. I profess not to know. And, I am, mostly, ok with that. It is definitely not that I am ambivalent towards the matter, quite the opposite, and it really is where I stand- not some lame cop-out. I wouldn’t be afraid to call myself an atheist if I was one, and being a believer might make my life a little easier, or sensical, so why would I not own up to it? Furthermore, calling myself an agnostic doesn’t mean that I am settling for not knowing  it simply implies I haven’t figure out everything I believe. Which I haven’t. 

I started college at Baldwin-Wallace in the Autumn of 2007. The second or third week into classes, Katelynn told me about this group someone she had met suggest she check out, it was called SCOPE. We walked into SCOPE not knowing anyone, and picked up a list of 8 points- some of which made us nervous. Had we landed ourselves in a crazy Christian group by accident? The answer, by the way, is Yes and No (this is a joke, more on it later <3).>

Though I remained quiet in most of the meetings, SCOPE started the mental process- it was the ignition for my own spiritual dialogue. It got me thinking once again about what I believe and what I don’t. It got me interested in the religion department, and thusly, had a hand in  my decision to be a religion major. Most importantly, SCOPE provided a religious community for me to be in- something I had sorely missed since I stopped going to church. My experience in SCOPE has lead me to some conclusions about the importance of a community aspect to spiritual/regular life, and especially, with an interfaith aspect. 

*sidenote*

I just got done reading my friend, Lorrin's, blog about her journey in ministry and was brought to tears- and am reminded that what I am striving for is so powerful, beautiful, and moving. 

Back to SCOPE, 

Basically, it has lead me to seeing the importance of interfaith dialogues and relationships. And not just interfaith in a Christian to a Muslim to a Wiccan to a Hindu to a Buddhist to a Jew interfaith- but even within those different religions- because everyone believes a different way, and has a point of view that is worthwhile. And I truly believe that by being open and having these conversations, there will be a benefit- we will come to understand each other better and grow together, hopefully peacefully. Maybe I am being naive, but I don’t care. I believe in this. That, I am sure of. 

It is hard for me to analyze my own beliefs at times because I find it difficult to remember what I used to believe when I was Christian. Most of my memories of my very religious period are blurry at best. I can't remember what I learned at church, in Stars or Friends, or what my relationship with Jesus was- even now, I feel like that is just the lingo. I don't remember having a relationship with Jesus. I know from what little writing I have saved from then and the few clear memories, that my idea of God was someone who was going to punish me if I did wrong- so, I had to be a good Christian as to avoid making God angry. I did not pray every night. I never had an experience of the Holy Spirit. And I remember the one time at church camp, many girls and chaperones went up to the front of the church to, I presume, to be saved or what have you, and they were crying and crying out- and I thought to myself that it was the most bizarre thing. Nothing like that was happening to me. At the time, I am sure, I was jealous that it wasn't. 

I remember walking into the water for my baptism, and Sam looking at me before he dunked me into the church member's pond, and that I was wearing a Pooh Bear shirt... but that's all. I remember being happy when I got my Junior Membership card after my Baptism. My mom was baptized the same day. 

I can recall, and laugh to myself about the woman who spoke in tongues EVERY Sunday at church. I think speaking in tongues is bs. 

It is hard for me now to look at Christianity any other way than I used to, despite the fact I can't remember the fine details... I know God was punisher, angry... a man... Father of Jesus, who died to save us from sin. I have learned so many different interpretations of Christianity- ones that if I had been brought up in, I could probably believe in, but since I wasn't- I cannot accept them. I am not saying that I want to- my goal isn't to be Christian again. Though, if it happens, it happens. 

I know so many Christians who have a beautiful theology, a healthy relationship with God, and are amazing people... and I have read and learnt about Gandhi- someone who had the most amazing religious views, and such a strong faith...and I want that. I miss the feeling. The assurance. Knowing something is out there bigger and better than me- and knowing what it might be, instead of endlessly entertaining countless possibilities. I miss being able to turn the words of the Holy Bible when I was having a shitty day and finding a passage that would lift me up, and help me out. 

I enjoy that from where I am now, it doesn't have to the Bible that I turn to, it could be that or the Gita, or the Upanishads... or anything, really, (not to say Christians can't- but, working with my aforementioned limitations...dotdotdot). But nothing has taken me. None have caught me up, and put me someplace else. That's what I am looking for. And I refuse to settle for less. 

Until then, when I find that, I will continue to carry a small spot of jealousy for those who have it, and an ache in my own heart for it... The beauty of not knowing is in the potential. Until the potential is not longer a comfort, but rather, a crutch. A crutch one can lean on- an excuse not to spend the time painstakingly searching for an answer, but waiting for it to come along. It won't. 

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde

Love&Light

Rachael

Background: AKA Catching Up to Speed

My spiritual journey starts, ironically enough, with the loss of my faith- my faith in Christianity. I was in the 6th grade, and 12 years old. As a religion major, I know many people of faith; many people building their lives on the ground of that faith and what they want to do through it. Prior to waking up one morning and no longer believing in God or his Son, I had been quite involved in my religion and my religious community at the time, Litchfield Assembly of God. I wanted to be a minister and a missionary, so it says on an “About Me” poster I made in 5th grade- the same poster says that Eminem was my favorite recording artist. 5th grade was the year I completed the Honor Star program of my youth group, the Missionettes (something to the equivalent of a combo of First Communion and Confirmation in the Catholic church). Completing Honor Star involved regular attendance of Missionettes, memorizing around 27 Bible verses, and many other things. So, as a baptized, junior member, Honor Star of my church, it was a shock to stop believing in what had once meant so much to me. It changed my life. Not only in the obvious way of switching from Believer to non-believer, but almost my entire social life revolved around church. I went 3 times a week, carried my Bible with me everywhere (including school lunch- which involved some drama about me being allowed to do so ie- separation of Church and State), and the fact that my mother was just as religious as I had been. It complicated things. I slowly stopped going to church on Sundays, I did, however, keep going to Friends (the group one graduates to after Stars) because a number of my close friends did. As time went on, however, it got harder to keep up the facade at church, so by the end of 7th grade, if not before then, I had phased church out of my life. I still haven’t told much of my family, mainly my grandfather, that I no longer believe in the Christian God, but only because I don’t want to upset them. 

When I say I woke up one day not believing, some people are skeptical that it really happened that way, but it did. I won’t say, though, that it was totally random. While I was at my most religious point in my 5th grade year, I was also extremely depressed- to the point that I was suicidal.  I supposed this could have worked a different way then it did- with me being more sure in my faith, as God had clearly wanted me to live and continue on my path as I lived. But, I think I lost the belief that a guy in the sky had created this world and everything in it and all was perfect and so long as we were good Christians and didn’t sin and read the Bible, this life wouldn’t matter because when we died we would go to Heaven and everything would be fantastic. I didn’t buy into that anymore- maybe because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, and the feelings it caused in me, or perhaps I was just growing up and nursing an independent streak. 

Something else I know affected how I viewed my church and religious life was losing Pastor Sam. my Honor Star ceremony was the last thing he would do at our church before he moved away. In many of the pictures from the ceremony, you can see that I was crying- in fact, I was crying hard, because as Sam addressed Brandy and I- I knew it was one of the last “sermons” I would hear him give before he left. Losing Sam changed our church and it upset me- How could he leave us? We needed him. I also really liked Sam- he has mermaid tattoos on his arms from his Navy days, he played the trombone in the church band, and he was a really fun person to be around and learn from. His replacement and I were not good friends- he was appointed to us, and I felt he was in-genuine, something that, at the time, to me, was a crime. 

Another factor that came into play, I am pretty sure, was my growing political awareness. When I was in 6th grade, W got elected. I knew that I was against everything he stood for. I was starting to figure out the differences between Democrat and Republican, Liberal, and Conservative. The news told me W had the Religious Right on his side, and it informed me that Christians did not approve of abortion (my church holds annual abortion protests in down-town Medina; I saw Sam there once, but never made the connection (dumb)) or gay people. I wouldn’t say that at the time, I was a feminist or gay rights activist, but none of this sat right with me. I started to connect the dots, and wasn’t liking the picture taking form. 

Despite feeling that this change was inevitable in me, it was very hard to go through. Going from being sure of something to not believing in it at all is hard. Identifying as an Atheist was even harder yet. This time in my life, starting in 7th grade, begins my exploration of spirituality and different religions in an attempt to discover what I believed in. The journey continues. This journal will outline my discoveries and beliefs as I continue to learn new things about religion and spirituality.

  

From Christianity, I started looking for something not as male-dominated. My feminist tendencies were starting to shine through in my search for a religion. I first heard about Wicca on Scooby-Doo. There was an evil witch who was smearing her familial tradition by her evil doing ways, and her nice niece or whoever wanted to right the family name, or something to that affect. So, doing what any person from my generation would do, I turned to the internet and looked up Wicca. Intrigued, I knew I had to find out more if this was going to be the new religion for me. I turned to the Library’s database and checked out a good 20 books on Wicca and witchcraft. Feeling the need to hide them from my family, I got them and kept them secret- and hid them between my mattress and the adjacent wall. I read all of these books, absorbing as much information about Wicca that I could. The Solitary Practitioner was by far my favorite- I purchased it, and Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies (after it was suggested by a friend). Eventually, I felt very strongly that this was the new faith for me. It felt right, there was a Goddess, and it involved nature, and all of these interesting facets. I decided to dedicate myself to the Goddess and did so- which, in my mind, then, cleansed me of my Christian baptism. Somewhere along the line, my mother found out, perhaps when I stopped being so secretive about it, and bought me a few spell books for Easter one year. Oh, the irony. 

My Wicca belief slowly fizzled out in high school, and by the end of 10th grade, I no longer considered myself as such and started to identify as an atheist. That is, until I learned the term agnostic- after which point, I knew I could safely id myself as that and feel comfortable. Atheism, to me, indicates a belief in nothing- and I find it far to dismal and bleak to believe in. Agnosticism offers some sort of hope and possibility. 

The rest of HS I was mainly searching for something- I had picked up meditation from learning about Wicca, and continued to practice it, having many interesting experiences, I came to believe in meditation and got interested in Buddhism- which has stuck with me so far. I spent this time learning random stuff about different religions, even some Christianity, via Catholicism as I got very interested in vampire books by Anne Rice which are chock full of references I didn’t quite get. I turned to Katelynn for some answers, and the ever-present internet for the rest. I had no interest in becoming Catholic, but liked the ritual aspects, just as I had in Wicca. She taught me how to properly cross myself, and I researched saints and angels. I also picked up more info from Jack Kerouac and his books, which I had gotten seriously into by this time. Along with the Beats came Zen Buddhism, which still maintains my interest. 

I can’t say that I truly made many steps in HS, but I did learn more about world religions from my World Religions class with Mr. Serio. The only thing that really resulted from this was making me more certain of my non-believer status. So, I graduated high school as an agnostic.