Headlock

So, today I did a job shadow at the Rape Crisis Center. We went to an elementary school to teach the kids about good and (ouch, uh-oh) inappropriate touching. It was awesome to be a part, however little mine was, of teaching kids how to get help. But it made my heart very sad. We also drove in the Imperial murders neighborhood, and past a service for one of the women which also laid heavy on my heart.

I left today with a feeling of recommitment to my tikkun olam life goal. The world needs help; and I am here to do my part. It is at once a simple thing, but also complex.

Whenever rape gets brought up in conversation, debate, and in general I feel such a deep seated conflict in myself.

My senior year of HS my brother, 13 at the time, was accused of rape. Because of rape laws, he was thrown in juvy- guilty before having a chance to be proven innocent. I remember the morning they came to arrest him in an unmarked car, and how my mother wailed after he was taken away- and how painful the next 4 months of my life were. It was also Good Friday. In this sense- I don't approve of the way rape laws currently stand. They need to be fixed. I don't want women, including myself, to be unprotected by any means- but if I am to believe in justice, and fairness, and equality then we cannot assume every man accused with rape is guilty. I know it functions as a check system, as a catch all- as an "in case," but my brother got four months of his life taken away and a horrible reputation in our community for no reason. Over the last 3 years, I have dealt with the resulting anger towards the girl who accused my brother, the justice system, and rape laws. We couldn't sue for damages..or court costs... and my family is out $14,000 and has had to file bankruptcy as a result of a girl lying about having sex with my brother because she was afraid of how angry her boyfriend would be at her for cheating on him. So she told them he had raped her. And just like that, my brother was guilty.

She later went on to admit to lying on stand, and also called herself a whore- on stand. In my heart of hearts, I will never forgive her for doing what she did to my family. I will never forgive her for taking away my brothers 14th birthday. That he couldn't be there with my family on Easter. I will never forgive her for giving my brother the label of "rapist." I will never forgive her for the fact that my brother feels so beaten down, and hates his life because people see him in a bad way for doing something many many 13 year olds do all the time. Do I think they should have been having sex in the first place, no? But can we strip away someone's rights to protect other's? It's a hard question to answer. I know I can't find a great solution.

Who is going to advocate for my brother? No one. And the saddest part is, he doesn't want anyone too because he is ashamed and afraid... So we stay silent.

No one should have to suffer sexual assault, and if they do, they should speak out and seek help- but I dream of a just system that catches the liars, and follows proper legal protocol.

In 18 days, right after Thanksgiving, I am going up on stand to testify against my uncle in court for domestic violence. I want him to get help. Not AA, but real help. And as I straddle the fence between being a woman against violence, someone who speaks out and calls the cops immediately- who will not be abused, and being his niece I wonder what to say. I wonder if I can forgive him.

Compassion tells me I should...Process tells me I should... Process explains why this stuff happens... but what it doesn't tell you is how bad it hurts. To have it dawn on you in the Rape Crisis Center that you are a "victim" of domestic violence... and wondering if locking it up and not talking about it because it's easier that way, (because your friends are judgmental and can't hear what you say and your family just wants to move on and enable him), is the best way. Did I really get help? Am I making too big a deal out of my brush with domestic abuse?

I have so much going on. I am being pulled in so many directions. My heart and mind can't keep up with this...