Give me your hand.

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear;

You, sent out beyond your recall,
Got to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame.
And make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Every single time I read this- I cry. It is beautiful. And perhaps that's how it is.

It is settling with me that I do believe in a "god"- and for someone who has not been able to claim that for almost 10 years. But, what I like about it now is that it's not easy- it is difficult, and confusing...and hardly make sense when I have it figured out...and the best parts are the ones I have no idea about yet anyway. It isn't some lump-package, processed idea someone handed me and said "There you go." whilst patting me on the head.

The difference, from now and then, and what has enable me to believe, is between deism and theism.

deism |ˈdēizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a supreme being, specifically of a creator who does not intervene in the universe. The term is used chiefly of an intellectual movement of the 17th and 18th centuries that accepted the existence of a creator on the basis of reason but rejected belief in a supernatural deity who interacts with humankind. Compare with theism .

theism |ˈθēˌizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures. Compare with deism .


I am a deist.

"I'm not an atheist and I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws, but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations. I am fascinated by Spinoza's pantheism, but admire even more his contributions to modern thought because he is the first philosopher to deal with the soul and the body as one, not two separate things." -Albert Einstein

For me, this is one of the most important points- because, when you lose faith, and when you pray and pray and pray for things that never happen, you start to get angry, disgruntled, and a little jaded towards this big guy in the sky who is supposed to be up there, twitting around, waiting for someone to slap their little hands together bow their head and ask for something. Sure, sure maybe we're not supposed to be praying for somethings.. but if you supersede that with the possibility that god doesn't control every tiny thing that happens...it clears up a lot.

For example... my little cousin Kyle had leukemia. I think he is 3 now. He's losing the battle for his life. The chemo didn't work this time and he's not in remission. And my family keeps saying- pray pray pray to God for a miracle. I keep thinking no- don't. Because that's not how it works. And if the chemo doesn't work, and we lose that little sweetheart, they will be so angry at God. But God was never going to do anything. Not mine anyways.

Something created us. A higher something. And once he/she/it did, they peaced out to go do whatever higher powers do. This work, with all its complexities, works far to perfectly to have just happened randomly.

What I think is this... the higher power was the source of the energy for the Big Bang, and from the Big Bang, the designs for the life that inhabits this planet were planned... a seed planted and left to grow. To evolve into what we know now.

I took way more than 7 days. But, if you're the supreme being, you've got time and patience.

And... really, thinking about it, how sad would you be if you were "god"? To see how things are now...

Not to say they are all bad. There are rays of light. Because free will exists.

So much more to say, but I need to sleep.