It has been a long day. One with ups and downs. Well, most days have their ups and downs for me, but alas. When I clean, I like to contemplate everything under the sun to occupy my mind, as you can imagine cleaning isn’t the most intellectually stimulating thing to do. I also like to plan. But, when you don’t really know what to do with your life, it’s hard to plan it. Still... not knowing has its possibilities.
The Beauty of Not Knowing
The definition of agnostic in this Religion Encyclopedia I got in the bargain section of Borders is “One who professes not to know [what they believe in]” and that has been my religious status since I read that. I profess not to know. And, I am, mostly, ok with that. It is definitely not that I am ambivalent towards the matter, quite the opposite, and it really is where I stand- not some lame cop-out. I wouldn’t be afraid to call myself an atheist if I was one, and being a believer might make my life a little easier, or sensical, so why would I not own up to it? Furthermore, calling myself an agnostic doesn’t mean that I am settling for not knowing it simply implies I haven’t figure out everything I believe. Which I haven’t.
I started college at Baldwin-Wallace in the Autumn of 2007. The second or third week into classes, Katelynn told me about this group someone she had met suggest she check out, it was called SCOPE. We walked into SCOPE not knowing anyone, and picked up a list of 8 points- some of which made us nervous. Had we landed ourselves in a crazy Christian group by accident? The answer, by the way, is Yes and No (this is a joke, more on it later <3).>
Though I remained quiet in most of the meetings, SCOPE started the mental process- it was the ignition for my own spiritual dialogue. It got me thinking once again about what I believe and what I don’t. It got me interested in the religion department, and thusly, had a hand in my decision to be a religion major. Most importantly, SCOPE provided a religious community for me to be in- something I had sorely missed since I stopped going to church. My experience in SCOPE has lead me to some conclusions about the importance of a community aspect to spiritual/regular life, and especially, with an interfaith aspect.
*sidenote*
I just got done reading my friend, Lorrin's, blog about her journey in ministry and was brought to tears- and am reminded that what I am striving for is so powerful, beautiful, and moving.
Back to SCOPE,
Basically, it has lead me to seeing the importance of interfaith dialogues and relationships. And not just interfaith in a Christian to a Muslim to a Wiccan to a Hindu to a Buddhist to a Jew interfaith- but even within those different religions- because everyone believes a different way, and has a point of view that is worthwhile. And I truly believe that by being open and having these conversations, there will be a benefit- we will come to understand each other better and grow together, hopefully peacefully. Maybe I am being naive, but I don’t care. I believe in this. That, I am sure of.
It is hard for me to analyze my own beliefs at times because I find it difficult to remember what I used to believe when I was Christian. Most of my memories of my very religious period are blurry at best. I can't remember what I learned at church, in Stars or Friends, or what my relationship with Jesus was- even now, I feel like that is just the lingo. I don't remember having a relationship with Jesus. I know from what little writing I have saved from then and the few clear memories, that my idea of God was someone who was going to punish me if I did wrong- so, I had to be a good Christian as to avoid making God angry. I did not pray every night. I never had an experience of the Holy Spirit. And I remember the one time at church camp, many girls and chaperones went up to the front of the church to, I presume, to be saved or what have you, and they were crying and crying out- and I thought to myself that it was the most bizarre thing. Nothing like that was happening to me. At the time, I am sure, I was jealous that it wasn't.
I remember walking into the water for my baptism, and Sam looking at me before he dunked me into the church member's pond, and that I was wearing a Pooh Bear shirt... but that's all. I remember being happy when I got my Junior Membership card after my Baptism. My mom was baptized the same day.
I can recall, and laugh to myself about the woman who spoke in tongues EVERY Sunday at church. I think speaking in tongues is bs.
It is hard for me now to look at Christianity any other way than I used to, despite the fact I can't remember the fine details... I know God was punisher, angry... a man... Father of Jesus, who died to save us from sin. I have learned so many different interpretations of Christianity- ones that if I had been brought up in, I could probably believe in, but since I wasn't- I cannot accept them. I am not saying that I want to- my goal isn't to be Christian again. Though, if it happens, it happens.
I know so many Christians who have a beautiful theology, a healthy relationship with God, and are amazing people... and I have read and learnt about Gandhi- someone who had the most amazing religious views, and such a strong faith...and I want that. I miss the feeling. The assurance. Knowing something is out there bigger and better than me- and knowing what it might be, instead of endlessly entertaining countless possibilities. I miss being able to turn the words of the Holy Bible when I was having a shitty day and finding a passage that would lift me up, and help me out.
I enjoy that from where I am now, it doesn't have to the Bible that I turn to, it could be that or the Gita, or the Upanishads... or anything, really, (not to say Christians can't- but, working with my aforementioned limitations...dotdotdot). But nothing has taken me. None have caught me up, and put me someplace else. That's what I am looking for. And I refuse to settle for less.
Until then, when I find that, I will continue to carry a small spot of jealousy for those who have it, and an ache in my own heart for it... The beauty of not knowing is in the potential. Until the potential is not longer a comfort, but rather, a crutch. A crutch one can lean on- an excuse not to spend the time painstakingly searching for an answer, but waiting for it to come along. It won't.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde
Love&Light
Rachael
No comments:
Post a Comment