It's 4am, I must be lonely

I like to shop. A lot. Shopping online is really, very nice. I discovered it way back when I was in 8th grade. We were going on vacation (to the Outer Banks, it ended up being the vacation for Hell..anyway) and I needed books- I didn't like beaches- I discovered that Amazon has used books for a PENNY... so I got like 13. It was amazing. Since then, I've had to maintain a very careful relationship with the wide world of interwebs stores. Sometimes... I loosen up. Recently, I bought a vintage apron. Max (from Where the Wild Things Are) slipper socks. A vintage white-enamel Aurora Borealis rhinestone necklace. I also recently discovered that my good friends eye doctor can replace the lenses in 1950's cateye glasses with your current prescription, which meant I had to buy a pair of vintage glasses frames. And a giant Care Bear, cause my old giant Grumpy Bear is lookin' a little rough (and much less company). Right now...I have a book and season 4 of Gilmore Girls in Check Out on Amazon. I am struggling not to buy them. I really shouldn't. I am aware that I might have a shopping addiction.

I am aware that it is a distraction. I enjoy shopping, very much. I like things. I often get attached to those things. Gerald May tells me this is bad. I tend to disagree with him.... but these attachments are bad. Yeah.

I'm rambling. But... I'm doing anything absolutely ANYTHING to distract me from work. For instance, I am watching s3 of Gilmore Girls, and for the last few episodes...*cough*cough* hours.... it has been driving me CRAZY that Rory's hair SUDDENLY becomes curly one episode and then it is ALWAYS curly. There is no explanation. She doesn't get a curling iron for a gift. Nothing. Just always curly. I mean, I welcome it..her hair was kind of flat before. I think it mysteriously stops being curly at some point.

I drank too much coffee.

Now, onto something remotely relevant to this blog... I have for you something written by someone else

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts
And presents aren't promise,
and you being to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
and learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate
your own soul , instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers,
and you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every good-bye you learn.


It's relevant here because I found it in Alan Jone's book, Soul Making. It's significant for me because I recently battled some of the things covered in the poem.

Recently, I wrote the following to a friend...

"I can be bitchy. Needy. I complain a lot. I like to gossip. Sometimes I don't like to share. I don't trust people. I have a short temper. I can be very crabby. Sometimes, I'm a homebody. I have a flabby stomach. My arms are flabby too. My thighs could use some work. I can't manage my finances. I'm forgetful. I have a penchant for lying. I'm good at it. I can't help it. I drive too fast. I'm stubborn. I hold grudges. I remember the bad things people do and say, and hold it against them.

But no body is perfect.

I love the way I dress. And my eyes. And my calf muscles, though they make rain boots impossible. I have a cute butt with no cellulite. I like to think I'm funny. I give good hugs. I'm smart. Kinda. I can cook, bake, and clean. As well as paint. I can kinda sew. I give good back rubs. I wear cute dresses and shoes. I try. I care. I listen to people, except when there are shiny things to distract me. I am loyal. Affectionate. Passionate. I'm a good worker. I'd do anything for the people I love. I also like good music, and I try to smell nice at all times. I'm not perfect, but I'm not so bad. I think there are great things about me, things I love... things I wouldn't change for the world. And shame on asshole guys that cannot recognize these things. I will wait, happily, for someone who does. Because I fucking deserve it."

Though I get a bit prickly about saying it, I think that my spirituality has helped me just be me. I finally can accept myself where I am... Just like I think God meets us where are at, right now. Huzzah.

Rory has straight hair again. I'm still wide awake. My coffee is cold.

A Wave that Never Finds the Shore

It is so strange, not being heard.

What I find fascinating about the Trappist monks is that they aren't s'posed to speak- which makes me wonder, which fascinates me, really, do the still feel a need to be heard? Is that why Thomas Merton wrote so much? Is that why they pray so much? Is God hearing you enough? Is is supposed to be? Shouldn't we be fine with that, those of us that pray?

I believe we live a relational existence... but where does it leave you when your relationships with people seem rotten, trixie, and false? To quote Gollum... Or they seem hollow, empty, and meaningless. Relationships that many years have been invested into... so much work and time, and love, and life into to receive only petty dramatic garbage in return? What does it mean when you're lied to more often than you get any form of truth? When is it time to walk away knowing you are making the right choice? How do you do so without unnecessary harm? What does it say about you when you continue to hold on because you'd rather go on pretending things are fine instead of facing more time alone?

Sometimes making sense of the things done or said by the people you love is impossible.

I've pretty much always been the weird one in my family. The weird kid. The weird cousin. Because of my clothes, my hair... my major or career goals. My music taste... my friends.. my geekyness or what have you.

I never seem to be doing anything right or normal. I'm difficult, or bitchy, because I have feelings which result in moods.. Moods that aren't always good or pleasant or because I'm not keeping my mouth shut and pretending that I don't have an opinion because whenever I speak up I am apparently difficult or bitchy or annoying or ridiculous.

I'm straightedge, which is preposterous. I, obviously, should drink or something and be normal...
I am studying religion... WHY?!?! What am I going to do with THAT?!
I want to be a minister... WHY?!?! How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an artist... WHAT?!? How are you going to make money?!?
I want to be an English major... WHAT are you going to do with that?! You won't make any money!
I have pink hair.. WHY can't you just have normal hair!? It's so pretty that way.
I wear long earrings... WEAR shorter earrings!
I'm writing a children's book about God... HOW dare you do that?!
I'm not Christian... GOING to hell, you are! (haha)
I'm pansexual.... HELL!

I just don't understand how it is acceptable that I cannot discuss half (if not more) of who I am with the people in my family or some of my best friends... Because I am wrong or bizarre or I think the wrong way or believe the wrong thing.

I have news for you, I'm straightedge, I'm a religion major, I want to be an interfaith minister, I love art and books, I love my pink hair and jewelry, I'm writing that book, I'm not "Christian," and I am pansexual... and I KNOW you can't deal with it so for the sake of peace and in order to avoid confrontation, I hide a lot of it from you. We don't talk about who I am.... and if it really mattered to you, you'd ask. But you haven't, so don't worry- I know. I know it's a little too hard for you to process and I know we will never agree but, just so you know, it's really hard for me sometimes and it really hurts me sometimes to do it. To hide, to fear, to be ashamed and uncertain, to rationalize why it's ok even when it seems impossible... You'd think that over time it would get easier, not being heard, but at some point your voice gets so quiet that no one can hear, and sometimes that hurts the worst.


"...But oh, my frail immortal soul
That will not sleep forevermore,
A leaf borne onward by the blast,
A wave that never finds the shore."

Blessings

Happy Zombie Jesus Day. Happy Easter. Happy belated Passover. Happy belated Ostara. Happy GORGEOUS Sunday NE Ohio!
Today, despite some mild issues, I have been happy!

I received flowers at Trader Joe's on Thursday whilst grocery shopping! Pretty purple flowers! (I'd post a picture but I don't know how.)

People are running for Scope eboard positions!!! Which makes me so happy! And the paragraphs they wrote have truly lifted my heart! I think it means I'm actually doing what I've been trying to do with this group! That something is clicking! That we make a difference! And that makes me so so so happy, I can't even tell you. It's magical.

I got my bike out and went for my first bike ride of the season =) I got a bike rack as an Easter gift from my parents (and a cool green yoga mat!).

I started Biggest Loser with Haleah! And doing so I've started working out and gone vegan!

I got hiking shoes for my trip! BOGO-half off! So I only spent $60 on TWO pairs of shoes, when I was looking at spending near $100 for one pair!

I started my Gandalf paper!

I am so blessed, and so loved. Bad things may happen- brothers can be really stupid and get into trouble, mother's can blow up over messy closets, you can forget to write papers, and you can do really bad on math tests- but they're just blips on the radar. We are renewed in each moment. We have every opportunity to start again. We just have to see it, and take action. And sometimes that is really hard, sometimes we think it is impossible- but it's not. Maybe we can do anything we set our minds to. I, for one, am making the choice to REFUSE to sit on my ass- physically, spiritually, academically, emotionally, mentally- I will no longer rest on my laurels and rust, I'm going to be proactive and LIVE my life to the fullest, because that's how we're s'posed to do it.

Thanks be to God.