So, God bless Thomas Merton and being able to calm me down. During class just now, I wrote this:
My God does not walk above me,
threatening lightning strikes
My God does not walk behind me,
pushing or prodding
My God does not walk below me,
beyond my understanding and under my awareness
No, my God does not walk in any of those places.
My God walks beside me,
as friend, companion and confidant
We walk this path together towards greater
life, love, and beauty
My God is always with me-
hearing prayers, thoughts
And even in the deep dark corkers,
the fleeting dreams of doubt and loss,
no judgement is passed
Only listening is had
My God is there for me to lean on when life becomes too much,
even when I don't consider my ever-loving "crutch"
My God knows my tears, and cries them with me;
lives all my laughter and celebrates in it joyously;
my god rejects, comprehends, muddles, fumbles,
discovers, and embraces all hand-in-hand with me.
No thought is insignificant, no emotion unworthy,
no word "utter"ly useless
My God has enough patients, enough time, enough loved
to experience, feel, and hear it all unceasingly
The eyes never shut, the ears never close up, the arms never retract, and heart never closes
They are always, ever, open and waiting for my readiness.
My God is not in a hurry- just waiting,
always offering this love-
for me to take it up.
How long can I wait?
This is yet to be seen, but my God awaits,
ever beside me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Today's weather is partly furious with occasional fits of rage. (Diary)
So. There are days when I just wake up in a bad mood. Today is one of those days. And ya know what, I feel all too comfortable here. I blame Gerald May for my grumpiness today. I don't even want to be here. Somedays I wonder why my mom is shelling out so much money for me to be here. I like the people I know here. The friends I have made. I like what I learn- most of the time- but otherwise, I don't give a crap. I don't read for class. I do write the papers- but it's easy for me. I barely do math. I just don't care. (Ps- I don't like that you can't publish private posts on here like you can on livejournal...)
Last night at Scope we did play. It was an ok meeting. I had a fun time at Mandy's last night, and got to see my girls this morning too! I love them so much. You'd think I'd be able to have one of those lighthearted days...that something would carry on over from last night, or 2 hours ago even.
I was going to apologize just now for being so emotional and irate recently- but I have this blog for the purpose of being honest and upfront with myself about how I feel- and for me how I am emotionally directly influences how I am engaged in my spiritual life. I'm also a complainer. But a lot of people complain, so that's life.
I don't think I will be staying for colloquium today. I don't feel like dealing.
Oh Christ, Latisha Jackson has arrived.
Done for now.
Last night at Scope we did play. It was an ok meeting. I had a fun time at Mandy's last night, and got to see my girls this morning too! I love them so much. You'd think I'd be able to have one of those lighthearted days...that something would carry on over from last night, or 2 hours ago even.
I was going to apologize just now for being so emotional and irate recently- but I have this blog for the purpose of being honest and upfront with myself about how I feel- and for me how I am emotionally directly influences how I am engaged in my spiritual life. I'm also a complainer. But a lot of people complain, so that's life.
I don't think I will be staying for colloquium today. I don't feel like dealing.
Oh Christ, Latisha Jackson has arrived.
Done for now.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Accedie
Alan likes to teach us fun words, the title is one of those words. Gotta love Alan and all of his Quaker wisdom.
Another good one from Alan, 'Virtue has to be an action.'
I have math class in 20 minutes..15 now.. and my prof forgot to post our assignment that kinda sorta means I can't do it, as she would say. So here I am.
I have calmed down so so much since I last posted. I still get weepy at times, I cried during the Ash Wednesday service at the Chapel last week. I cry reading Gandalf sutff- and mind you, I love to cry, I really do, but I don't love beeing so upset I literally cannot contian it. I didn't cry at Chapel so much about Scope, but that's another story for another time and this might not be the place to articulate it anyway.
I've been doing meditation for my new discipline- it's going well, I attribute calming down to setting 30minutes a day to do this.
I finally went to the UU that meets in Kulas yesterday. Josh and Chris went with me. I loved it, and I will be going back. It's everything I wanted it to be, AND there is a significant ritual aspect which I didn't expect but love. The sermon was opened up to discussion DURING the sermon! How cool is that? Anyway the people were, of course, welcoming and friendly. I had a conversation with one of the members after the service and was telling her about myself, and I said "I used to be a Christian, and I've been wandering around for a long time...but this seems like a perfect community" and she replied "I used to be a Christian too, and then it stopped working." And I was like "HELLO NEW CHURCH!"
But, seriously- I think it might be the first time I've ever had a conversation like that with an older person. I don't mean "older person" in a negative way either, but...seriously. It was so refreshing! I can't wait to go back. I have not missed getting up on Sunday mornings though, let me tell you.
My math class is starting in 2 minutes.. I should probably go to it.
I think I will finish this first. Math can wait.
After a series of crumby days and weeks, I realized it's really the little things. I say that all the time- and I really do love the little things. But, it's something like meeting someone who loves one of your favorite authors... or knowing someone that smiles every time they see you, I mean every time- not every time we talk, but if they're in class and see you walk by the door- for that split second they see you every Monday Wednesday and Friday afternoon around 1:55, they smile- it's these things that are not only wonderful on the surface but they show me that other people do care, and that we do live a relational existence. It's these silly little things that lift up bad days. It's a friend who sees an article in the paper about Hobbits and brings it in for you because they know you're a Lord of the Rings geek... It's people saying "Well I heard her laugh in the hallway, so she must be here.." The things that often get lost in the murk and mire of life that can show us what it really means to be alive.
I'm five minutes late. I guess math can't be avoided forever.
I leave you with this, which I have quoted a from a lot recently... everyone things I'm talking about the stupid book, but I'm not!
"TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
William Butler Yeats
Another good one from Alan, 'Virtue has to be an action.'
I have math class in 20 minutes..15 now.. and my prof forgot to post our assignment that kinda sorta means I can't do it, as she would say. So here I am.
I have calmed down so so much since I last posted. I still get weepy at times, I cried during the Ash Wednesday service at the Chapel last week. I cry reading Gandalf sutff- and mind you, I love to cry, I really do, but I don't love beeing so upset I literally cannot contian it. I didn't cry at Chapel so much about Scope, but that's another story for another time and this might not be the place to articulate it anyway.
I've been doing meditation for my new discipline- it's going well, I attribute calming down to setting 30minutes a day to do this.
I finally went to the UU that meets in Kulas yesterday. Josh and Chris went with me. I loved it, and I will be going back. It's everything I wanted it to be, AND there is a significant ritual aspect which I didn't expect but love. The sermon was opened up to discussion DURING the sermon! How cool is that? Anyway the people were, of course, welcoming and friendly. I had a conversation with one of the members after the service and was telling her about myself, and I said "I used to be a Christian, and I've been wandering around for a long time...but this seems like a perfect community" and she replied "I used to be a Christian too, and then it stopped working." And I was like "HELLO NEW CHURCH!"
But, seriously- I think it might be the first time I've ever had a conversation like that with an older person. I don't mean "older person" in a negative way either, but...seriously. It was so refreshing! I can't wait to go back. I have not missed getting up on Sunday mornings though, let me tell you.
My math class is starting in 2 minutes.. I should probably go to it.
I think I will finish this first. Math can wait.
After a series of crumby days and weeks, I realized it's really the little things. I say that all the time- and I really do love the little things. But, it's something like meeting someone who loves one of your favorite authors... or knowing someone that smiles every time they see you, I mean every time- not every time we talk, but if they're in class and see you walk by the door- for that split second they see you every Monday Wednesday and Friday afternoon around 1:55, they smile- it's these things that are not only wonderful on the surface but they show me that other people do care, and that we do live a relational existence. It's these silly little things that lift up bad days. It's a friend who sees an article in the paper about Hobbits and brings it in for you because they know you're a Lord of the Rings geek... It's people saying "Well I heard her laugh in the hallway, so she must be here.." The things that often get lost in the murk and mire of life that can show us what it really means to be alive.
I'm five minutes late. I guess math can't be avoided forever.
I leave you with this, which I have quoted a from a lot recently... everyone things I'm talking about the stupid book, but I'm not!
"TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
William Butler Yeats
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"Things fall apart..."
Today has not been my day.
I must betray what I set out to do here and be totally honest. I don't have that liberty right now. I'm just very upset. Not even just sad... I'm fire-y pissed too. Disappointed. Frustrated. I feel like, somehow, I've failed. Myself. Others. I failed to be what I wanted to be...what other people needed me to be... I don't know. My heart is breaking though... Hopefully everything works out. I almost hope I am really wrong about everything. Making it all up in my head.
I just feel so heavy.
"the center cannot hold..."
Today has not been my day.
I must betray what I set out to do here and be totally honest. I don't have that liberty right now. I'm just very upset. Not even just sad... I'm fire-y pissed too. Disappointed. Frustrated. I feel like, somehow, I've failed. Myself. Others. I failed to be what I wanted to be...what other people needed me to be... I don't know. My heart is breaking though... Hopefully everything works out. I almost hope I am really wrong about everything. Making it all up in my head.
I just feel so heavy.
"the center cannot hold..."
Monday, February 1, 2010
Of Quaker Mischief and the Misanthropic Parakeet.
Got back from Gethsemani at 5:30ish last night. It was such an amazing trip. I just got done looking through all the pictures that we've put on Facebook. I sincerely wish we were still there. My friends are such amazing people- and because of the trip I acquired a new one in Aryn! =) I think it makes sense to go through the trip chronologically (though I tried to recap in Merton class today and FAILED, forgetting a major part of the trip =/ Lameness prevails.)
1/29/10
I drove my mom and I here before Spiritual Disciplines, she took my car home so it wouldn't sit up here for the weekend. Put all my stuff my Connie and went to class for a bit. We departed at 10am. The weather was good for travel- cold, but no snow or anything. We got to the Merton Center around 3:30? Between 3:30-4. [This is the part I managed to forget earlier] The guy who works there showed us around. They have a rather extensive collection of Merton-stuff. Books. Dissertations. Pictures. Poems. More books. One of his typewriters. A pair of his boots. <3 One of his cameras. Some of his photographs.
I've fallen hard for Tommy by this point, if not earlier. Then! We listened to a recording of him teaching novices. I enjoy the timbre of his voice. And his laugh. I'm not ashamed, either.
We headed off to Bardstown, which sadly lacks any sign of minstrels or bards- though it is quaint. We had dinner at a place called Kres(s(o's. I think that's how it is spelled. I had their signature pasta dish- with chicken, shrimp, and a cream sauce. It was good.
We made it to the monastery for 7:30 Compline. In the dark. It was really affecting. After that we headed to our house, at Bethany Springs. It was gorgeous. Homey. Tracy, the Hostess, was a doll. We had tea (tea, and more tea!), craisins, and tasty other foods. Katie made cupcakes for Katelynn's birthday (I s'posed to as well, and forgot). Andy, Matt, and I stayed up til around 11 (probably closer to 11:30). Everyone else went to bed before us.
We got up around 2:50am for 3:15...Vigil? (I can't keep track of the order of the names or the exact times, either) It was also in the dark. We didn't go back to sleep before the next office, at 6:15. We had tea instead! I don't really recall everything precisely for the next 2-3 hours of the day... I know we stuck around for awhile, went to the library of the Retreatist wing{?}....went back to the house, the group had breakfast, I showered... we went to the 10:15 office and then had Mass at 10:30[?] before then. The next service was at 2:15. We explored after that. (Sometime before or after we went to the giftshop, got cheese fudge a card...) Took many pictures, found Tommy's grave =( and then headed to the House. (I took a nap...blankets!)We were there til 5:30? and then came home, again, for lasagna dinner. It was pretty good. The bread was tasty. We sang happy birthday to Katelynn. Back to Compline at 7:30, and that was it for the night..for services anyway. We headed back to the House. Some of us watched a Merton movie. Talked. Drank tea. Ate craisins. There was some mediation. I journaled a little. Went to sleep.
1/31/10 I don't think anyone got up to go to 3:15 with Alan. I got up around 6:30? initially. Kate came down shortly after that, so did Katie. We chatted, drank tea. I can't remember if we were up til other people got up, I know I eventually went back to my bed and slept until right before we had to leave. We went to Terce at 10:20, didn't stay for Mass though...and we're on the road to home! I was sad to leave and so were a few others! We got Tbell for lunch (this amuses me very much). Got back to BW around 5:30, none of my family picked up their phones so I rode home with Kate! Thank God they were there! I would have been stranded.
All in all it was a great weekend. I have to go read for class now!
1/29/10
I drove my mom and I here before Spiritual Disciplines, she took my car home so it wouldn't sit up here for the weekend. Put all my stuff my Connie and went to class for a bit. We departed at 10am. The weather was good for travel- cold, but no snow or anything. We got to the Merton Center around 3:30? Between 3:30-4. [This is the part I managed to forget earlier] The guy who works there showed us around. They have a rather extensive collection of Merton-stuff. Books. Dissertations. Pictures. Poems. More books. One of his typewriters. A pair of his boots. <3 One of his cameras. Some of his photographs.
I've fallen hard for Tommy by this point, if not earlier. Then! We listened to a recording of him teaching novices. I enjoy the timbre of his voice. And his laugh. I'm not ashamed, either.
We headed off to Bardstown, which sadly lacks any sign of minstrels or bards- though it is quaint. We had dinner at a place called Kres(s(o's. I think that's how it is spelled. I had their signature pasta dish- with chicken, shrimp, and a cream sauce. It was good.
We made it to the monastery for 7:30 Compline. In the dark. It was really affecting. After that we headed to our house, at Bethany Springs. It was gorgeous. Homey. Tracy, the Hostess, was a doll. We had tea (tea, and more tea!), craisins, and tasty other foods. Katie made cupcakes for Katelynn's birthday (I s'posed to as well, and forgot). Andy, Matt, and I stayed up til around 11 (probably closer to 11:30). Everyone else went to bed before us.
We got up around 2:50am for 3:15...Vigil? (I can't keep track of the order of the names or the exact times, either) It was also in the dark. We didn't go back to sleep before the next office, at 6:15. We had tea instead! I don't really recall everything precisely for the next 2-3 hours of the day... I know we stuck around for awhile, went to the library of the Retreatist wing{?}....went back to the house, the group had breakfast, I showered... we went to the 10:15 office and then had Mass at 10:30[?] before then. The next service was at 2:15. We explored after that. (Sometime before or after we went to the giftshop, got cheese fudge a card...) Took many pictures, found Tommy's grave =( and then headed to the House. (I took a nap...blankets!)We were there til 5:30? and then came home, again, for lasagna dinner. It was pretty good. The bread was tasty. We sang happy birthday to Katelynn. Back to Compline at 7:30, and that was it for the night..for services anyway. We headed back to the House. Some of us watched a Merton movie. Talked. Drank tea. Ate craisins. There was some mediation. I journaled a little. Went to sleep.
1/31/10 I don't think anyone got up to go to 3:15 with Alan. I got up around 6:30? initially. Kate came down shortly after that, so did Katie. We chatted, drank tea. I can't remember if we were up til other people got up, I know I eventually went back to my bed and slept until right before we had to leave. We went to Terce at 10:20, didn't stay for Mass though...and we're on the road to home! I was sad to leave and so were a few others! We got Tbell for lunch (this amuses me very much). Got back to BW around 5:30, none of my family picked up their phones so I rode home with Kate! Thank God they were there! I would have been stranded.
All in all it was a great weekend. I have to go read for class now!
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