Sometimes, it gets to me...

This has been awhile in the making/brewing...

There are a few things I want to write about religion...
1. Addressing the "issues" people in my life have with religion
2. Why I am a religion major
3. What I want to do with it/my life- ie: my calling

1

It might seem silly, but sometimes I take for granted what I have learned in college. And how I have changed. How my mind has been opened a little more, and how my opinions and feelings towards religion have changed. Because they have. I guess it is silly of me, naive even, of me to assume that this has happened for the other people in my life. The people are negative towards anything religious in nature.

I wish they could see the beauty. The meaning.

I wish they would not be so hypocritical- Do not go around pretending to be some open minded, liberal person and then turn around an attack an entire community. Do not do this because your assumptions are based on a limited knowledge ( Mine is too ) and, to get to the point, the fundamental/evangelical Christianity isn't the only kind out there...Also, do not insult people who do believe in that kind of Christianity, or in religion at large, don't you dare insult their intelligence to me... Because you aren't only insulting them, you are insulting me as well.

Being a believer does not make you dumb. It does not negate your intelligence. Liberal, conservative...and anywhere in the middle. Some of the most intelligent people I know are believers. My friends are believers and chances are, you know people who are religious and smart as well. So do not....do not even go there, let alone jump down my throat, about this. It is ignorance. And it might seem contradictory for me to talk about tolerance, and seem intolerant at the same turn- but ignorance is hard for me to tolerate, and as far as I am concerned it should me. My ignorance and the ignorance of others.

That being said- being an atheist doesn't make you intelligent either. No matter which way you believe, it is not a marker of intelligence. So, do not make those assumptions. Well, you can make them, but just don't voice them to me.

If your natural reaction is to bash anyone Christian, or bash religion in general, I suggest you work on that.... Immediately. Not only will it be good for your inner workings, but somewhere down the line, if not already, you are going to have to make nice with someone you don't agree with- and trust me, even if you don't voice this immediate reaction, it plays out in your body language and face.

Considering all of that- I am working on my own negative feelings towards certain aspects of religion. Growing up a very Christian person, I am trying to get past my own personal problems, and the things that have made me mad, caused me anguish and pain so that I can see things through a new lens.

2

Well, simply, religion is what I am interested in. Having tried on 3 other majors in 2 years, religion feels the best. Broadcasting was a weak idea to begin with, and while PR is nice, I need something more. I can't seem to find any reason to remain a part of the English department as most of my interactions with them have left a very very bad taste in my mouth. Though, I am not just a religion major by default either.

When I got involved in Scope, and the department, I felt at home. Things just clicked. I picked up a minor my 2nd semester, and declared my major this January. Aside from this lackluster semester, I have been happy with my choice.

People.... my family... well, my family that knows that I am a religion major anyways, (ie- I haven't told my grandparents what my major actually is, because it would turn into a very drastic, UGLY conversation, as my theology VASTLY differs from my grandpas), can't seem to understand why I am a religion major....because I am not strictly religious.

I don't adhere to one path, and I don't think that there is any one truth- but many versions of the truth. That being said I do have faith- and I pull the aspects of that from many different paths/religions. In a quest to figure it all out- by being a religion major, I will learn more and engage a subject that is meaningful... something that is not empty and that is about something MORE.. Vastly more important than saving a reputation, and making tons of money, because that's not what counts. At all.

3

My calling- the word calling is a little tricky, as it can easily lead to the question Called by whom? and, my answer isn't god, but... a feeling that there is something I am supposed to do. Some work I am supposed to be doing... and, I think that work is interfaith work. Bringing understanding to people of different faiths so this world can be a little more peaceful.

Tikkun Olam- repair the world.
That is my calling.
My goal.
And however I do that- Peace Corps, Interfaith ministry, etc is what I need to be doing

Give me your hand.

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear;

You, sent out beyond your recall,
Got to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame.
And make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Every single time I read this- I cry. It is beautiful. And perhaps that's how it is.

It is settling with me that I do believe in a "god"- and for someone who has not been able to claim that for almost 10 years. But, what I like about it now is that it's not easy- it is difficult, and confusing...and hardly make sense when I have it figured out...and the best parts are the ones I have no idea about yet anyway. It isn't some lump-package, processed idea someone handed me and said "There you go." whilst patting me on the head.

The difference, from now and then, and what has enable me to believe, is between deism and theism.

deism |ˈdēizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a supreme being, specifically of a creator who does not intervene in the universe. The term is used chiefly of an intellectual movement of the 17th and 18th centuries that accepted the existence of a creator on the basis of reason but rejected belief in a supernatural deity who interacts with humankind. Compare with theism .

theism |ˈθēˌizəm|
noun
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures. Compare with deism .


I am a deist.

"I'm not an atheist and I don't think I can call myself a pantheist. We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have written those books. It does not know how. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranged and obeying certain laws, but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations. I am fascinated by Spinoza's pantheism, but admire even more his contributions to modern thought because he is the first philosopher to deal with the soul and the body as one, not two separate things." -Albert Einstein

For me, this is one of the most important points- because, when you lose faith, and when you pray and pray and pray for things that never happen, you start to get angry, disgruntled, and a little jaded towards this big guy in the sky who is supposed to be up there, twitting around, waiting for someone to slap their little hands together bow their head and ask for something. Sure, sure maybe we're not supposed to be praying for somethings.. but if you supersede that with the possibility that god doesn't control every tiny thing that happens...it clears up a lot.

For example... my little cousin Kyle had leukemia. I think he is 3 now. He's losing the battle for his life. The chemo didn't work this time and he's not in remission. And my family keeps saying- pray pray pray to God for a miracle. I keep thinking no- don't. Because that's not how it works. And if the chemo doesn't work, and we lose that little sweetheart, they will be so angry at God. But God was never going to do anything. Not mine anyways.

Something created us. A higher something. And once he/she/it did, they peaced out to go do whatever higher powers do. This work, with all its complexities, works far to perfectly to have just happened randomly.

What I think is this... the higher power was the source of the energy for the Big Bang, and from the Big Bang, the designs for the life that inhabits this planet were planned... a seed planted and left to grow. To evolve into what we know now.

I took way more than 7 days. But, if you're the supreme being, you've got time and patience.

And... really, thinking about it, how sad would you be if you were "god"? To see how things are now...

Not to say they are all bad. There are rays of light. Because free will exists.

So much more to say, but I need to sleep.

A brief glimpse...

A brief glimpse into why I haven't told my grandfather that I'm not a Christian (or that I am a religion major);

My mom was flipping through a catalogue of yard-decor shit. Yard-decor-shit that includes many different Buddha statues. My mom says "OH! A smiling Buddha! I never see those"

I reply, "Really? He's everywhere. Maitreya, the happy, Future Buddha..."

My grandpa intercedes, and he says "The Buddha...What does he matter? He's not here. He's not real..."

"Quite right, the Buddha is dead....just like Jesus" was my reply.

The Beauty of Not Knowing

It has been a long day. One with ups and downs. Well, most days have their ups and downs for me, but alas. When I clean, I like to contemplate everything under the sun to occupy my mind, as you can imagine cleaning isn’t the most intellectually stimulating thing to do. I also like to plan. But, when you don’t really know what to do with your life, it’s hard to plan it. Still... not knowing has its possibilities. 

 The Beauty of Not Knowing

The definition of agnostic in this Religion Encyclopedia I got in the bargain section of Borders is “One who professes not to know [what they believe in]” and that has been my religious status since I read that. I profess not to know. And, I am, mostly, ok with that. It is definitely not that I am ambivalent towards the matter, quite the opposite, and it really is where I stand- not some lame cop-out. I wouldn’t be afraid to call myself an atheist if I was one, and being a believer might make my life a little easier, or sensical, so why would I not own up to it? Furthermore, calling myself an agnostic doesn’t mean that I am settling for not knowing  it simply implies I haven’t figure out everything I believe. Which I haven’t. 

I started college at Baldwin-Wallace in the Autumn of 2007. The second or third week into classes, Katelynn told me about this group someone she had met suggest she check out, it was called SCOPE. We walked into SCOPE not knowing anyone, and picked up a list of 8 points- some of which made us nervous. Had we landed ourselves in a crazy Christian group by accident? The answer, by the way, is Yes and No (this is a joke, more on it later <3).>

Though I remained quiet in most of the meetings, SCOPE started the mental process- it was the ignition for my own spiritual dialogue. It got me thinking once again about what I believe and what I don’t. It got me interested in the religion department, and thusly, had a hand in  my decision to be a religion major. Most importantly, SCOPE provided a religious community for me to be in- something I had sorely missed since I stopped going to church. My experience in SCOPE has lead me to some conclusions about the importance of a community aspect to spiritual/regular life, and especially, with an interfaith aspect. 

*sidenote*

I just got done reading my friend, Lorrin's, blog about her journey in ministry and was brought to tears- and am reminded that what I am striving for is so powerful, beautiful, and moving. 

Back to SCOPE, 

Basically, it has lead me to seeing the importance of interfaith dialogues and relationships. And not just interfaith in a Christian to a Muslim to a Wiccan to a Hindu to a Buddhist to a Jew interfaith- but even within those different religions- because everyone believes a different way, and has a point of view that is worthwhile. And I truly believe that by being open and having these conversations, there will be a benefit- we will come to understand each other better and grow together, hopefully peacefully. Maybe I am being naive, but I don’t care. I believe in this. That, I am sure of. 

It is hard for me to analyze my own beliefs at times because I find it difficult to remember what I used to believe when I was Christian. Most of my memories of my very religious period are blurry at best. I can't remember what I learned at church, in Stars or Friends, or what my relationship with Jesus was- even now, I feel like that is just the lingo. I don't remember having a relationship with Jesus. I know from what little writing I have saved from then and the few clear memories, that my idea of God was someone who was going to punish me if I did wrong- so, I had to be a good Christian as to avoid making God angry. I did not pray every night. I never had an experience of the Holy Spirit. And I remember the one time at church camp, many girls and chaperones went up to the front of the church to, I presume, to be saved or what have you, and they were crying and crying out- and I thought to myself that it was the most bizarre thing. Nothing like that was happening to me. At the time, I am sure, I was jealous that it wasn't. 

I remember walking into the water for my baptism, and Sam looking at me before he dunked me into the church member's pond, and that I was wearing a Pooh Bear shirt... but that's all. I remember being happy when I got my Junior Membership card after my Baptism. My mom was baptized the same day. 

I can recall, and laugh to myself about the woman who spoke in tongues EVERY Sunday at church. I think speaking in tongues is bs. 

It is hard for me now to look at Christianity any other way than I used to, despite the fact I can't remember the fine details... I know God was punisher, angry... a man... Father of Jesus, who died to save us from sin. I have learned so many different interpretations of Christianity- ones that if I had been brought up in, I could probably believe in, but since I wasn't- I cannot accept them. I am not saying that I want to- my goal isn't to be Christian again. Though, if it happens, it happens. 

I know so many Christians who have a beautiful theology, a healthy relationship with God, and are amazing people... and I have read and learnt about Gandhi- someone who had the most amazing religious views, and such a strong faith...and I want that. I miss the feeling. The assurance. Knowing something is out there bigger and better than me- and knowing what it might be, instead of endlessly entertaining countless possibilities. I miss being able to turn the words of the Holy Bible when I was having a shitty day and finding a passage that would lift me up, and help me out. 

I enjoy that from where I am now, it doesn't have to the Bible that I turn to, it could be that or the Gita, or the Upanishads... or anything, really, (not to say Christians can't- but, working with my aforementioned limitations...dotdotdot). But nothing has taken me. None have caught me up, and put me someplace else. That's what I am looking for. And I refuse to settle for less. 

Until then, when I find that, I will continue to carry a small spot of jealousy for those who have it, and an ache in my own heart for it... The beauty of not knowing is in the potential. Until the potential is not longer a comfort, but rather, a crutch. A crutch one can lean on- an excuse not to spend the time painstakingly searching for an answer, but waiting for it to come along. It won't. 

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde

Love&Light

Rachael

Background: AKA Catching Up to Speed

My spiritual journey starts, ironically enough, with the loss of my faith- my faith in Christianity. I was in the 6th grade, and 12 years old. As a religion major, I know many people of faith; many people building their lives on the ground of that faith and what they want to do through it. Prior to waking up one morning and no longer believing in God or his Son, I had been quite involved in my religion and my religious community at the time, Litchfield Assembly of God. I wanted to be a minister and a missionary, so it says on an “About Me” poster I made in 5th grade- the same poster says that Eminem was my favorite recording artist. 5th grade was the year I completed the Honor Star program of my youth group, the Missionettes (something to the equivalent of a combo of First Communion and Confirmation in the Catholic church). Completing Honor Star involved regular attendance of Missionettes, memorizing around 27 Bible verses, and many other things. So, as a baptized, junior member, Honor Star of my church, it was a shock to stop believing in what had once meant so much to me. It changed my life. Not only in the obvious way of switching from Believer to non-believer, but almost my entire social life revolved around church. I went 3 times a week, carried my Bible with me everywhere (including school lunch- which involved some drama about me being allowed to do so ie- separation of Church and State), and the fact that my mother was just as religious as I had been. It complicated things. I slowly stopped going to church on Sundays, I did, however, keep going to Friends (the group one graduates to after Stars) because a number of my close friends did. As time went on, however, it got harder to keep up the facade at church, so by the end of 7th grade, if not before then, I had phased church out of my life. I still haven’t told much of my family, mainly my grandfather, that I no longer believe in the Christian God, but only because I don’t want to upset them. 

When I say I woke up one day not believing, some people are skeptical that it really happened that way, but it did. I won’t say, though, that it was totally random. While I was at my most religious point in my 5th grade year, I was also extremely depressed- to the point that I was suicidal.  I supposed this could have worked a different way then it did- with me being more sure in my faith, as God had clearly wanted me to live and continue on my path as I lived. But, I think I lost the belief that a guy in the sky had created this world and everything in it and all was perfect and so long as we were good Christians and didn’t sin and read the Bible, this life wouldn’t matter because when we died we would go to Heaven and everything would be fantastic. I didn’t buy into that anymore- maybe because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, and the feelings it caused in me, or perhaps I was just growing up and nursing an independent streak. 

Something else I know affected how I viewed my church and religious life was losing Pastor Sam. my Honor Star ceremony was the last thing he would do at our church before he moved away. In many of the pictures from the ceremony, you can see that I was crying- in fact, I was crying hard, because as Sam addressed Brandy and I- I knew it was one of the last “sermons” I would hear him give before he left. Losing Sam changed our church and it upset me- How could he leave us? We needed him. I also really liked Sam- he has mermaid tattoos on his arms from his Navy days, he played the trombone in the church band, and he was a really fun person to be around and learn from. His replacement and I were not good friends- he was appointed to us, and I felt he was in-genuine, something that, at the time, to me, was a crime. 

Another factor that came into play, I am pretty sure, was my growing political awareness. When I was in 6th grade, W got elected. I knew that I was against everything he stood for. I was starting to figure out the differences between Democrat and Republican, Liberal, and Conservative. The news told me W had the Religious Right on his side, and it informed me that Christians did not approve of abortion (my church holds annual abortion protests in down-town Medina; I saw Sam there once, but never made the connection (dumb)) or gay people. I wouldn’t say that at the time, I was a feminist or gay rights activist, but none of this sat right with me. I started to connect the dots, and wasn’t liking the picture taking form. 

Despite feeling that this change was inevitable in me, it was very hard to go through. Going from being sure of something to not believing in it at all is hard. Identifying as an Atheist was even harder yet. This time in my life, starting in 7th grade, begins my exploration of spirituality and different religions in an attempt to discover what I believed in. The journey continues. This journal will outline my discoveries and beliefs as I continue to learn new things about religion and spirituality.

  

From Christianity, I started looking for something not as male-dominated. My feminist tendencies were starting to shine through in my search for a religion. I first heard about Wicca on Scooby-Doo. There was an evil witch who was smearing her familial tradition by her evil doing ways, and her nice niece or whoever wanted to right the family name, or something to that affect. So, doing what any person from my generation would do, I turned to the internet and looked up Wicca. Intrigued, I knew I had to find out more if this was going to be the new religion for me. I turned to the Library’s database and checked out a good 20 books on Wicca and witchcraft. Feeling the need to hide them from my family, I got them and kept them secret- and hid them between my mattress and the adjacent wall. I read all of these books, absorbing as much information about Wicca that I could. The Solitary Practitioner was by far my favorite- I purchased it, and Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies (after it was suggested by a friend). Eventually, I felt very strongly that this was the new faith for me. It felt right, there was a Goddess, and it involved nature, and all of these interesting facets. I decided to dedicate myself to the Goddess and did so- which, in my mind, then, cleansed me of my Christian baptism. Somewhere along the line, my mother found out, perhaps when I stopped being so secretive about it, and bought me a few spell books for Easter one year. Oh, the irony. 

My Wicca belief slowly fizzled out in high school, and by the end of 10th grade, I no longer considered myself as such and started to identify as an atheist. That is, until I learned the term agnostic- after which point, I knew I could safely id myself as that and feel comfortable. Atheism, to me, indicates a belief in nothing- and I find it far to dismal and bleak to believe in. Agnosticism offers some sort of hope and possibility. 

The rest of HS I was mainly searching for something- I had picked up meditation from learning about Wicca, and continued to practice it, having many interesting experiences, I came to believe in meditation and got interested in Buddhism- which has stuck with me so far. I spent this time learning random stuff about different religions, even some Christianity, via Catholicism as I got very interested in vampire books by Anne Rice which are chock full of references I didn’t quite get. I turned to Katelynn for some answers, and the ever-present internet for the rest. I had no interest in becoming Catholic, but liked the ritual aspects, just as I had in Wicca. She taught me how to properly cross myself, and I researched saints and angels. I also picked up more info from Jack Kerouac and his books, which I had gotten seriously into by this time. Along with the Beats came Zen Buddhism, which still maintains my interest. 

I can’t say that I truly made many steps in HS, but I did learn more about world religions from my World Religions class with Mr. Serio. The only thing that really resulted from this was making me more certain of my non-believer status. So, I graduated high school as an agnostic.