The Beauty of Not Knowing

It has been a long day. One with ups and downs. Well, most days have their ups and downs for me, but alas. When I clean, I like to contemplate everything under the sun to occupy my mind, as you can imagine cleaning isn’t the most intellectually stimulating thing to do. I also like to plan. But, when you don’t really know what to do with your life, it’s hard to plan it. Still... not knowing has its possibilities. 

 The Beauty of Not Knowing

The definition of agnostic in this Religion Encyclopedia I got in the bargain section of Borders is “One who professes not to know [what they believe in]” and that has been my religious status since I read that. I profess not to know. And, I am, mostly, ok with that. It is definitely not that I am ambivalent towards the matter, quite the opposite, and it really is where I stand- not some lame cop-out. I wouldn’t be afraid to call myself an atheist if I was one, and being a believer might make my life a little easier, or sensical, so why would I not own up to it? Furthermore, calling myself an agnostic doesn’t mean that I am settling for not knowing  it simply implies I haven’t figure out everything I believe. Which I haven’t. 

I started college at Baldwin-Wallace in the Autumn of 2007. The second or third week into classes, Katelynn told me about this group someone she had met suggest she check out, it was called SCOPE. We walked into SCOPE not knowing anyone, and picked up a list of 8 points- some of which made us nervous. Had we landed ourselves in a crazy Christian group by accident? The answer, by the way, is Yes and No (this is a joke, more on it later <3).>

Though I remained quiet in most of the meetings, SCOPE started the mental process- it was the ignition for my own spiritual dialogue. It got me thinking once again about what I believe and what I don’t. It got me interested in the religion department, and thusly, had a hand in  my decision to be a religion major. Most importantly, SCOPE provided a religious community for me to be in- something I had sorely missed since I stopped going to church. My experience in SCOPE has lead me to some conclusions about the importance of a community aspect to spiritual/regular life, and especially, with an interfaith aspect. 

*sidenote*

I just got done reading my friend, Lorrin's, blog about her journey in ministry and was brought to tears- and am reminded that what I am striving for is so powerful, beautiful, and moving. 

Back to SCOPE, 

Basically, it has lead me to seeing the importance of interfaith dialogues and relationships. And not just interfaith in a Christian to a Muslim to a Wiccan to a Hindu to a Buddhist to a Jew interfaith- but even within those different religions- because everyone believes a different way, and has a point of view that is worthwhile. And I truly believe that by being open and having these conversations, there will be a benefit- we will come to understand each other better and grow together, hopefully peacefully. Maybe I am being naive, but I don’t care. I believe in this. That, I am sure of. 

It is hard for me to analyze my own beliefs at times because I find it difficult to remember what I used to believe when I was Christian. Most of my memories of my very religious period are blurry at best. I can't remember what I learned at church, in Stars or Friends, or what my relationship with Jesus was- even now, I feel like that is just the lingo. I don't remember having a relationship with Jesus. I know from what little writing I have saved from then and the few clear memories, that my idea of God was someone who was going to punish me if I did wrong- so, I had to be a good Christian as to avoid making God angry. I did not pray every night. I never had an experience of the Holy Spirit. And I remember the one time at church camp, many girls and chaperones went up to the front of the church to, I presume, to be saved or what have you, and they were crying and crying out- and I thought to myself that it was the most bizarre thing. Nothing like that was happening to me. At the time, I am sure, I was jealous that it wasn't. 

I remember walking into the water for my baptism, and Sam looking at me before he dunked me into the church member's pond, and that I was wearing a Pooh Bear shirt... but that's all. I remember being happy when I got my Junior Membership card after my Baptism. My mom was baptized the same day. 

I can recall, and laugh to myself about the woman who spoke in tongues EVERY Sunday at church. I think speaking in tongues is bs. 

It is hard for me now to look at Christianity any other way than I used to, despite the fact I can't remember the fine details... I know God was punisher, angry... a man... Father of Jesus, who died to save us from sin. I have learned so many different interpretations of Christianity- ones that if I had been brought up in, I could probably believe in, but since I wasn't- I cannot accept them. I am not saying that I want to- my goal isn't to be Christian again. Though, if it happens, it happens. 

I know so many Christians who have a beautiful theology, a healthy relationship with God, and are amazing people... and I have read and learnt about Gandhi- someone who had the most amazing religious views, and such a strong faith...and I want that. I miss the feeling. The assurance. Knowing something is out there bigger and better than me- and knowing what it might be, instead of endlessly entertaining countless possibilities. I miss being able to turn the words of the Holy Bible when I was having a shitty day and finding a passage that would lift me up, and help me out. 

I enjoy that from where I am now, it doesn't have to the Bible that I turn to, it could be that or the Gita, or the Upanishads... or anything, really, (not to say Christians can't- but, working with my aforementioned limitations...dotdotdot). But nothing has taken me. None have caught me up, and put me someplace else. That's what I am looking for. And I refuse to settle for less. 

Until then, when I find that, I will continue to carry a small spot of jealousy for those who have it, and an ache in my own heart for it... The beauty of not knowing is in the potential. Until the potential is not longer a comfort, but rather, a crutch. A crutch one can lean on- an excuse not to spend the time painstakingly searching for an answer, but waiting for it to come along. It won't. 

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde

Love&Light

Rachael

Background: AKA Catching Up to Speed

My spiritual journey starts, ironically enough, with the loss of my faith- my faith in Christianity. I was in the 6th grade, and 12 years old. As a religion major, I know many people of faith; many people building their lives on the ground of that faith and what they want to do through it. Prior to waking up one morning and no longer believing in God or his Son, I had been quite involved in my religion and my religious community at the time, Litchfield Assembly of God. I wanted to be a minister and a missionary, so it says on an “About Me” poster I made in 5th grade- the same poster says that Eminem was my favorite recording artist. 5th grade was the year I completed the Honor Star program of my youth group, the Missionettes (something to the equivalent of a combo of First Communion and Confirmation in the Catholic church). Completing Honor Star involved regular attendance of Missionettes, memorizing around 27 Bible verses, and many other things. So, as a baptized, junior member, Honor Star of my church, it was a shock to stop believing in what had once meant so much to me. It changed my life. Not only in the obvious way of switching from Believer to non-believer, but almost my entire social life revolved around church. I went 3 times a week, carried my Bible with me everywhere (including school lunch- which involved some drama about me being allowed to do so ie- separation of Church and State), and the fact that my mother was just as religious as I had been. It complicated things. I slowly stopped going to church on Sundays, I did, however, keep going to Friends (the group one graduates to after Stars) because a number of my close friends did. As time went on, however, it got harder to keep up the facade at church, so by the end of 7th grade, if not before then, I had phased church out of my life. I still haven’t told much of my family, mainly my grandfather, that I no longer believe in the Christian God, but only because I don’t want to upset them. 

When I say I woke up one day not believing, some people are skeptical that it really happened that way, but it did. I won’t say, though, that it was totally random. While I was at my most religious point in my 5th grade year, I was also extremely depressed- to the point that I was suicidal.  I supposed this could have worked a different way then it did- with me being more sure in my faith, as God had clearly wanted me to live and continue on my path as I lived. But, I think I lost the belief that a guy in the sky had created this world and everything in it and all was perfect and so long as we were good Christians and didn’t sin and read the Bible, this life wouldn’t matter because when we died we would go to Heaven and everything would be fantastic. I didn’t buy into that anymore- maybe because of the chemical imbalance in my brain, and the feelings it caused in me, or perhaps I was just growing up and nursing an independent streak. 

Something else I know affected how I viewed my church and religious life was losing Pastor Sam. my Honor Star ceremony was the last thing he would do at our church before he moved away. In many of the pictures from the ceremony, you can see that I was crying- in fact, I was crying hard, because as Sam addressed Brandy and I- I knew it was one of the last “sermons” I would hear him give before he left. Losing Sam changed our church and it upset me- How could he leave us? We needed him. I also really liked Sam- he has mermaid tattoos on his arms from his Navy days, he played the trombone in the church band, and he was a really fun person to be around and learn from. His replacement and I were not good friends- he was appointed to us, and I felt he was in-genuine, something that, at the time, to me, was a crime. 

Another factor that came into play, I am pretty sure, was my growing political awareness. When I was in 6th grade, W got elected. I knew that I was against everything he stood for. I was starting to figure out the differences between Democrat and Republican, Liberal, and Conservative. The news told me W had the Religious Right on his side, and it informed me that Christians did not approve of abortion (my church holds annual abortion protests in down-town Medina; I saw Sam there once, but never made the connection (dumb)) or gay people. I wouldn’t say that at the time, I was a feminist or gay rights activist, but none of this sat right with me. I started to connect the dots, and wasn’t liking the picture taking form. 

Despite feeling that this change was inevitable in me, it was very hard to go through. Going from being sure of something to not believing in it at all is hard. Identifying as an Atheist was even harder yet. This time in my life, starting in 7th grade, begins my exploration of spirituality and different religions in an attempt to discover what I believed in. The journey continues. This journal will outline my discoveries and beliefs as I continue to learn new things about religion and spirituality.

  

From Christianity, I started looking for something not as male-dominated. My feminist tendencies were starting to shine through in my search for a religion. I first heard about Wicca on Scooby-Doo. There was an evil witch who was smearing her familial tradition by her evil doing ways, and her nice niece or whoever wanted to right the family name, or something to that affect. So, doing what any person from my generation would do, I turned to the internet and looked up Wicca. Intrigued, I knew I had to find out more if this was going to be the new religion for me. I turned to the Library’s database and checked out a good 20 books on Wicca and witchcraft. Feeling the need to hide them from my family, I got them and kept them secret- and hid them between my mattress and the adjacent wall. I read all of these books, absorbing as much information about Wicca that I could. The Solitary Practitioner was by far my favorite- I purchased it, and Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies (after it was suggested by a friend). Eventually, I felt very strongly that this was the new faith for me. It felt right, there was a Goddess, and it involved nature, and all of these interesting facets. I decided to dedicate myself to the Goddess and did so- which, in my mind, then, cleansed me of my Christian baptism. Somewhere along the line, my mother found out, perhaps when I stopped being so secretive about it, and bought me a few spell books for Easter one year. Oh, the irony. 

My Wicca belief slowly fizzled out in high school, and by the end of 10th grade, I no longer considered myself as such and started to identify as an atheist. That is, until I learned the term agnostic- after which point, I knew I could safely id myself as that and feel comfortable. Atheism, to me, indicates a belief in nothing- and I find it far to dismal and bleak to believe in. Agnosticism offers some sort of hope and possibility. 

The rest of HS I was mainly searching for something- I had picked up meditation from learning about Wicca, and continued to practice it, having many interesting experiences, I came to believe in meditation and got interested in Buddhism- which has stuck with me so far. I spent this time learning random stuff about different religions, even some Christianity, via Catholicism as I got very interested in vampire books by Anne Rice which are chock full of references I didn’t quite get. I turned to Katelynn for some answers, and the ever-present internet for the rest. I had no interest in becoming Catholic, but liked the ritual aspects, just as I had in Wicca. She taught me how to properly cross myself, and I researched saints and angels. I also picked up more info from Jack Kerouac and his books, which I had gotten seriously into by this time. Along with the Beats came Zen Buddhism, which still maintains my interest. 

I can’t say that I truly made many steps in HS, but I did learn more about world religions from my World Religions class with Mr. Serio. The only thing that really resulted from this was making me more certain of my non-believer status. So, I graduated high school as an agnostic.